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Friday, December 24, 2010


It's quiet around here, everyone accept yours truly has gone to church for Christmas Eve Services. I just cannot find the motivation to participate. And I don't really feel bad about not going, either. No guilty conscience or a slight sense of regret. Nope it's not for me and this year I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to make that decision and live with it.

But in other ways I  feel rather annoyed, a tad cranky and on the verge of acting confrontational. I tend to get this way when I feel hurt inside. I suppose it is a way I protect myself. I will admit that I do feel like I've given a lot of myself lately and sometimes I don't feel very appreciated. But you know what? That's my problem and I need to get over it. I cannot control what another person says or does. I have no control over that at all. I acknowledge that it's alright to feel hurt feelings and be disappointed but I simply can't let it control the way I feel overall. I enjoy life too much to act the sourpuss...I know that I'm not making the best of the situation around here. I'm transferring some of my hurt and disappointment from another time and it's affecting how I feel now with company in my home. That isn't fair to them or in fact to myself.

I don't want to be a grump or take it out on somebody else. I guess I feel like most of the time I go out of my way to accept other people the way they are. If that means they don't help out during the holidays or don't remember a Xmas present, so be it. But somehow I kind of feel like I am being held to higher standard. This may or may not be the case...I may just think that's true. And the bottom line is so what anyway?! Who cares...what matters in the end is how I feel about myself and how I live my life. I should hold myself to a higher standard, each and every day. I can't afford to spend any of this precious time on the planet worrying about what other folks say and do. That is a ridiculously childish way to live and I can't afford losing my focus.

So I suppose I'll let it go, scatter those negative  feelings to the wind and let 'em fly away. I will not hold on to the anchor, as it were and drown in self pity...nope, no way. I've learned that lesson the hard way, quite some time ago. But I also need to learn from the experiences I've had lately that have left me feeling taken advantage of. I cannot afford to repeatedly make  poor decisions either. I can do better and I will make better choices the next time around. I need stay the course, recognize my mistakes, learn and keep on truckin'!

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