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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Right Side Up

One of the things that I have discovered about myself in the last few years is that deep down I have always felt like an outsider, like I never really belong, in society, in my family...heck to the whole human race. From what I can recall, this feeling predates my drinking/drugging days so I have to believe it is something I've probably felt since I was born or shortly afterward.

As a young person that alienation was prevalent in my dress and rebellious nature. Yep, I am a product of the late 60's/early 70's youth movement of sorts.  Kind of a  Drop Out "If you can't join them, beat them" kind of reverse psychology/philosophy. That's when I first started smoking dope and doing other drugs including alcohol. I was an introverted sort, looking inward for my strength though I wasn't anti-social in any real way. I just felt separate from my contemporaries so I separated myself physically as much as I could from them. It all felt like I chose to do that, at the time. But in reality, looking back in hindsight I really wanted to belong, I just felt like maybe I wasn't wanted.

That feeling has persisted all these years. I still feel that alienated "tug" at times today and the funniest little things can set it off. Something as typical as one of my parents making a comment about a behavior of mine they dislike. That's what parents do, it's nothing unusual but it's sets off major feelings of alienation and rejection inside of me. And I have grown into a person (thanks to boat loads of therapy) that accepts constructive criticism reasonably well. At least after I've thought about it a while. But deep down the comments dig something rather painful up in me and it's hard to deal with. It brings on the self loathing Thom I though I put away for good....

Of course recognizing something is the first major step in being able to do something to change it if you so desire. I did want to change that behavior so I've worked hard at putting myself back in situations where I have to engage others and I've enjoyed it. Now that I know just because I may feel left out of different it doesn't mean that I really am. It can be just an illusion, a Brain F*#k as it were. I also have learned that maybe I am different or unique in some ways, so what. That doesn't mean I'm bad or wrong because of it. It doesn't have to define me...unless I choose to let it do so. Often now, I do let my differences show because I'm not ashamed anymore of who I am...

I feel good enough about myself these days that I usually don't sweat the differences nor do I flaunt them like I used to. I used to push my differences into other peoples faces...that was the rebellion coming through. Now I just be myself, whatever that may be. I feel guided by certain spiritual guidelines that I feel strongly about and those are the things I tend to measure myself by. Because when I violate those babies, I usually know it right away because my serenity gets outta whack, very quickly too! Before long my whole world will seem turned upside down so I tend to try to stay in touch with my spiritual side at all times.

And from experience I have to say that I prefer my world to be right side up! Until the next time....

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