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Thursday, December 2, 2010

Tough One Tonight

Not really sure how to precede with this post or honestly if I should even continue. I'm feeling a great deal of emotion and thinking a lot lately about my spiritual life. A very tricky, testy, difficult subject for me. One that has been nearly impossible for me to really share any information about first of all because even I am unclear where I stand spiritually. Secondly, I am uncomfortable talking about it....perhaps I'm a bit embarrassed? That certainly could be the case but I also feel so uncertain, so unstable and rather clueless. There is something...out there, I know but, what? And why would I care? Don't know but I do, I care....very much so.

And I am afraid....Afraid what I may be getting into. Afraid that once again I may be following a path that leads me straight over the precipice into free fall. My skepticism shouts down all attempts at faith and at times pushes me to rely solely on reason...well, we know where that leads me, don't we?! My sense of reason in the past has bordered on insanity...granted, my chemical dependency had a great deal to do with that but still....can I trust what I think and feel? Not solely, I fear.

Not at all sure I have the answer to that question, does anyone, really? I'm pushing hard for a discovery here, yet I am hesitant to just blast all the way through to the other side. I want to believe....It's different when your sober, somewhat sane, when you honestly ask for answers, when you admit your character defects, accept responsibility for your actions, admit you are wrong and yea...admit defeat, accept it and move on with your life. Then and only then can you genuinely search for truth, ah I mean Truth with a Cap T....only then does the journey truly begin yet there are so many questions....who has the answers?

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