Time for me to lay things on the line so here is some straight talk from yours truly. So Why The F*#k Am I Doing This?
I get very little feedback to my posts on this blog. So basically I don't have a clue whether folks find this useful, interesting, ridiculous or whatever. I do know that people look at it because I can see the number of page views but that's it.
I'll admit it's rather weird to put so much time & effort into writing and then have absolutely no idea if anyone other then me finds it the least bit interesting or not. Frankly I have to assume that most folks who check in here don't find this blog that groundbreaking, interesting or worth their while. And that's cool....hey, it's on me to make it good & readable so obviously I have some work to do. It often contains specific information that may be difficult or uninteresting for people who cannot directly relate to it. So perhaps I'm not going to succeed in getting that many people to read this, if that's the case then what? Is that why I did this, to become known, to be noteworthy, to be noticed? Hmmm, I don't really think so....
So I suppose I should then evaluate why I'm really doing it, why am I writing this stuff down for others to read. What's the point....is there a point? Do I find this blog worthwhile? All good questions....
Let's start there....I do find value in writing this blog. It has been enlightening to say the least to write about my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. everyday. I feel like I've truly learned things about myself that perhaps I wouldn't have noticed otherwise. That's all good, very good.
Now I have to ask myself if I truly need to publish this in a blog format for others to read. Would I get the same benefit by just journaling these very same things? I'm not getting much feedback anyway so whats the difference? The answer to that is I believe that I work harder at being honest, at digging towards the Truth, my Truth when what I am writing is out there for others to read. I may not get validation for what I am saying but I am getting something back for having taken the risk to share it. Plus it holds me accountable to write it publicly because I then work even harder at not bullshitting myself if I know it's being read by someone other then myself.
Another question I have to ask myself is should I be posting such personal information in a public forum? This is my real life by the way,out there in public for everyone to see....and some of this can be embarrassing information, thoughts or feelings that I share here on any given day. Is it worth baring my soul just to learn a few interesting things about myself?
Well, there is always the chance, slim though it may be that someone will read this blog that can really relate to it. Perhaps they feel some of the same fear or alienation that I did, perhaps they have no where else to turn. Maybe they have a drug problem or they have felt totally alone and think they are the only person out there that feels like that. So yes, I do feel a sense of responsibility as a human being to take what has happened to me and share it with others in the event that it might be helpful to them. That's the bottom line, I have been given a gift of life, my life in recovery. I feel that I must give it back, that it's almost a sacred responsibility to share what I have been so freely given. This is just one way that I can do that.
I know that something deep down motivated me to start Shell Shock Serenade in the first place. And I still feel a responsibility to continue to work on it and develop it, regardless of whether I get any feedback or not. Honestly, it would be nice to know what people think about what I'm writing, there is some validation in getting a response. And I'm curious as well. I'll admit that I expected some debate or discussion but to date that has not happened. And it may never happen yet I still feel the desire to continue writing. So I will do just that, continue to post on this blog.
And I can only write one way and that is to lay my thoughts and feelings out there completely uncensored. I am alive today because of blatant, unreserved honesty and I cannot in good conscience temper that now. So this blog may be contain subject matter that is unpleasant to read. I understand that but I made the decision to write about my life and as good as it is today, there were times when it was mostly a painful existence. An that basically is what I am thinking and writing about at this time. It will vary over the course of time because I can take off in many different directions at the drop of a hat.
So fair warning to those who are hanging in there and reading on in the next few days, weeks and months. I'm not going anywhere and I intend to continue to roll the blog (dice) as it were and see where we all land. It could be a very a rather intense ride....