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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Why I Don't Feel Sorry...For Myself

I suppose it would be an understatement to say that I have experienced some unpleasantness in my life. Uh, no shit Dick Tracy but hey, I have to start this thing somewhere.

A great deal of the unpleasantness was a result of my alcoholism/addiction but there were other causes as well. I was sexually assaulted as a child, I tried to kill myself and failed. Plus I destroyed most of the important relationships I had in my life up to that time. I lived 44 eventful years before I sobered up and I've still had my share of pain and heartache since then as well. But such is life, difficult things can occur and there isn't much more to say about it then that.

That briefly covers the pain and discomfort part. But since I put the active "junkie" years behind me I've gone through the rather painful process of realizing what a selfish, unkind, mean-spirited, arrogant asshole I was during the majority of my adult life. And yes, this basically covered the time I practiced my addictions to their fullest, to the point of self-destruction. I've already posted at one point or another on this blog about most if not all of this stuff. I also mentioned that long before I began drinking and using drugs that I recall feeling somehow different, separate and isolated from other people. All of these things contributed to one messed up individual namely: Me

The point of listing all of this is that the hard work began in my life AFTER I got clean/sober. I had to admit I had a problem, accept what I was, then somehow begin the process of becoming the kind of person I aspired to be: Kind, loving, thoughtful, selfless, helpful, clever, understanding and so on....I think you can see a pattern developing here. Bottom line: I really had to make some changes and it wasn't going to be easy.

So I began that process in the Summer of 2006 and it continues to this day. I truly believe that this journey to becoming the person I want to be will really only be complete when I pass on to the next yep, it is a life long process.

At times this journey has been interesting, exciting and even fun. I've discovered the joy of real honest to god relationships with people I really care about and who care about me. In a lot of ways it is like discovering life all over again...except I have the benefit this time around of all that life experience, both the positive and the negative, to guide me along the way.

The other side of that coin is this journey has been and continues to be very painful at times, particularly emotionally. And I've found that it's easy to get discouraged, to want to bag it, to quit. But I can't do that, I just can't go back to being "THAT" guy again. But still, it would be easy to feel sorry for myself and wonder why I deserved such a difficult and unhappy fate. Yet I haven't fallen into that particular trap and I'm not sure why. But I'm afraid to stop and ponder that too much so I just move forward to continue to face the things I'm afraid of the most, because those are the things that hold me back the most from the new me.

The sooner I divest myself of those old demons the sooner the new, positive stuff from my life today takes their place.  Perhaps this will not make a lick of sense to some, it's made no sense to me either, until my life experiences started to get better. Much better in fact and I  then began to feel better about people in general, because before I thought they were all idiots...just mindless sheep that only existed to annoy me and keep me from doing what I really wanted to do. Which was only think about me, myself and I.

The truth is I want to change...I've wanted to change for years and because I desire this transformation I'm willing to sacrifice for it to happen. That is why no matter what happens or how difficult certain days can be, I simply will not feel sorry for myself. How can I? I'm responsible for this mess...yes, Alcoholism/Addiction is a disease, I did nothing to deserve my alcoholism but for years I knew what I was (an Addict/Alcoholic) and yet I continued to do absolutely nothing about it. Until I'd lost most everything near and dear to me including employment, friends, the love of my life, my home, all my money, family members and then in the end: me. I tried to take this life of mine away and failed. That is when I realized I had nothing, nothing at all to lose....and from that moment forward I wanted to make a change.

And I have...

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