My Mistress...My LOVE

I have often been asked what it "feels like" to be an addict...what's that compulsion, that addiction physically, emotionally and psychologically feel like in a real way. It isn't an easy thing to describe and I've never found a good way to do it. So any time I see or hear of something that may help me describe it I usually remember it and incorporate it into my story or testimony.


It's funny how life works sometimes because this morning I was reading a blog I regularly read called Spockgirl Musings and the author, Spockgirl (SG) included a poem I assume she wrote called The Mistress.


                                 The Mistress
She sits beside you in the truck
She is waiting at home for you when you return
She is your best friend, your lover, your very Soul
She is your life blood, your water, your very breath


You need her, you want her, you crave her


She makes you happy when you are sad 
She makes you feel when you feel nothing 
She makes you numb when you feel too much
She is your inner voice, your scream, your confessor


You love her, hate her, you cannot live without her


She gazes at you longingly as you sit at the table
She whispers in your ear sweet nothings
She is your Siren, your lullaby, your dirge
She is your Life, your Eternity, your Death... 


but you are not hers.



Now SG is not an alcoholic or addict...I don't even think she even drinks but I am not positive about that. But her poem, in my opinion accurately describes the way an addict sees and can feel about his need for more drugs/booze...they truly are "his Mistress". I was flabbergasted by how similar those feelings are but this was not an all together unfamiliar concept....addiction as mistress.

The comedian Richard Pryor was a well known addict who eventually got clean after he literally set himself on fire while Free-Basing Cocaine. He used to talk (and do a comic bit) about how his crack/crack pipe used to "talk to him" when he was trying to quit, trying not to use dope anymore. He would say it whispered to him: "Richard, baby...where you been? I 've missed you so much...you know that no one loves you like I do. C'mon sweetie, just take one hit...just one teenie weenie little puff and I'll make all your troubles go away. I love you Richard...I'm the best thing you got going...Babe".


And from my perspective and experience that was really very accurate...my addiction is almost a living, breathing thing and the pull it has on the addict/alcoholic is incredible.


My "Mistress" for many, many years was Vodka, hence I chose vodka to grace the top of this post. It was my "drug of choice" throughout most of my drinking days though I loved beer and quite frankly any kind of booze really...I drank and love it all. The only  stuff I really couldn't stand was the "rock gut'...the super cheap...almost turpentine tasting booze. So I leaned toward the expensive stuff...


But I'm getting away from the topic...see how easy it is?!!


But this also hi-lights what I and others will refer to as the "disease aspect" of addiction. In 1956 The American Medical Association declared Alcoholism (and now Addiction) a Disease. Because it's that inability to control, the compulsion to USE/DRINK that makes up the most difficult aspect of trying to explain why addict/alcoholics continue to drink or use after they're hurting people, hurting themselves.  Because once alcohol is put in the body, it trigger's the disease and all control is lost. The very first time I took a drink...an innocent drink of beer...because I have the disease of alcoholism it let loose the components of the disease though they weren't really seen or noticed until later. 


Alcoholism/Addiction as a disease can still be controversial but Scientific AND Medical Communities totally agree that it is. That is NOT an excuse to continue to drink...it can be treated by TOTAL ABSTINENCE (no drinking, EVER) and the addict/alcoholic can then lead a fairly normal life.


If this is confusing, I suggest reading the link above WIKI...it does a good job of explaining it.


All of that post came from reading one poem this morning on Spockgirl's blog...pretty freaking cool...eh?