I'd Rather DIE...er, TWITCH!

I know, I know...for a guy who has made repeated statements as of late about not wanting to just whine about my health day after day...I sure have been writing about my health enough...more then enough! But It's what is happening in my life right now and it is really affecting me physically because I literally have not slept more then a few minutes here or there at a time each day for the last 3 weeks. 


I am totally exhausted and I mean that literally. I have never experienced such deep seated FATIGUE. I am really frightened where the intensity of this experience has ALREADY taken me physically...where it may lead psychologically...well terrified is the only word that comes to mind. 


I met with my personal physician this morning because at the end of last week my surgeon wanted me to have my DOC prescribe something for anxiety because I had an incident on the operating table where I began to feel quite anxious as I was waiting for the procedure to begin and my heart rate spiked to 145. I told them that when I lay down I experience the sensation that my throat constricts and I can't swallow, bring up saliva and it affects my breathing. That is why I haven't slept in so long. 


Of course there is more to this...much more then I could fit into this blog but that's the gist of it. The surgeon I'm sure was thinking Xanax or Ativan, something a patient can take as needed. He should have known better because I have told him, in great detail that I am in recovery. My personal DOC, though I just started going to him (and her, they are a husband/wife team but she is on Maternity Leave right now) knew that and prescribes an Anti-Depressant over the phone.


Well I have a long, nasty and unpleasant history with Psychiatric Drugs...especially anti-depressant's and my dilemma right now is whether I should try it. I really do not want to and am taking the day and night to meditate a pray about it. I am very torn...I am skeptical about any benefit and do not  want to get on any long term commitment type medication again.


One of the good things that have come out of this recent dilemma about medication is I like how my DOC handled this medication thing...not just prescribing Xanax which he could have easily done. But I still realize that ultimately I am responsible for what goes into my body and alcoholic/addicts are notorious for finding all sorts of ways to justify taking drugs I should avoid as a person in recovery. Still he was on top of his game, that makes my life easier when your physician is at least partially on the same page!


Today is technically New Years Day...at least as far as the College bowl games are concerned. There are 7 games total including at 5p the Rose Bowl with Wisconsin against Oregon...I'm stoked so I'm getting ready to settle down to watch some FOOTBALL. So I am going to leave this anti-depressant thing for a while and enjoy the day.


(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)