Monday, January 23, 2012
Unleash The Beast: INTENSITY
Once again I am lamenting the fact that I haven't written anything worthwhile or interesting in a long, long time. This...of course bothers me a great deal but whenever I try and rectify that situation....nothing really seems to make a difference or motivate me out of my lethargy. And that really is it...I feel lethargic to the very CORE of my being.
I typically am scattered anyway when it comes to subject matter for posts. I'll never pretend to have a plan or be totally organized but whatever I tend to end up writing about and why is a different matter because there usually is some little bit of FOCUS that comes from the shear joy of sharing that secret..or thought or feeling...it WAS and IS about recovery these days. That's what motivates me nowadays and has since my life depended on it.
Ultimately THAT's really it too....it became about survival. My recovery was the original subject of the blog....and as time went on it became more and more noticeable and obvious that my survival depended on me staying sober and clean one day at a time. Well it became even more obvious to me that my recovery WAS my LIFE..they were one in the same...they HAD to be for this thing to work.
So every time I was posting about staying clean or any other aspect of recovery I was actually writing about saving my own life..each and every day! Well needless to say I had no issue finding the necessary focus when it came to writing about saving LIVES....and my very own LIFE being the first.
With that came intensity...something I had no natural shortage of to begin with, though I had always lacked the positive, safe and healthy OUTLET for letting out that intensity. At times when I would tap into certain feelings or thoughts and feelings I was unleashing the entire emotional AVALANCHE of INTENSITY concerning my rape and the after aftermath. It was dangerous and risky...but that was what people showed me here on the SHOCK, that was what your feedback was showing me so I took the chance and wrote about that very private and personal stuff...and it was hugely successful. In the end that was what people really wanted to read. It was a trip and I was more then a little nervous about doing it but the rest is history...
So I am really lamenting that loss of intensity I typically have and it's temporarily gone because of the exhausted emotional
state I am in. I want it BACK and yea...
I want it back NOW because I am tired of writing boring milk toast freaking posts...so I will do my best to unleash whatever emotional energy