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Sunday, January 29, 2012

The Reasonable (though NOT Popular CHOICE)

Have I ever mentioned that I can be a little bit stubborn at times? is true, I most certainly CAN be difficult when my mind is set on something. Today...I chose to not attend church because of my health and it just drives me crazy. One of the  biggest challenges for me has been the "self-denial", choosing what is really best for me health wise by making decisions like this to stay home where it's safe and rest. I have NEVER been good at doing the right thing in such matters. My natural inclination is to just push forward and do what I wish, Me, Me, Me, I always come first and get what I want...and the heck with the consequences...But historically, the consequences ALWAYS win. And then I suffer and whine like I am the victim of some terrible injustice when in reality, I did it to myself...AGAIN.

I know it doesn't sound like much of a decision for me to stay home but for me it's huge because it does represent this self-denial for what is right...and I do not like giving in. The last 3 weeks I've chosen to go to church each week and be forced to leave under very unpleasant circumstances...which was awful. Today I was able to see the writing on the wall and in hindsight I have not felt well the rest of the day. And I was able to rest even though I am still feeling quite ill this afternoon. 

For the first time in a while we had friends stop by after church for breakfast (pancakes/sausage, coffee and juice) and just having company for a little over an hour. It was awesome to visit, I have such great friends but their short visit absolutely sucked the life right out of me. I enjoyed it but that was all I could physically do.

These are hard and difficult realities for me to face & accept. And perhaps that is the greater purpose behind why this is happening. Sound ridiculous? Perhaps it does but I do believe that things seem to happen in my life for a greater purpose...things that are often hard or even impossible for me to comprehend. Yet in the end it turns out that those hardship experiences end up serving me well later on. 

I do have faith...and yes FAITH is a new and often mysterious concept and/or reality for me to get my arms around and accept but I am getting there...I do in fact..believe. I believe the LORD is with me even under really crappy, mysterious circumstances like these...even when I want to tell him he is full of crap and he needs to FIX! Nothing happens and the intense weight of that realization that I am truly POWERLESS over this situation settles in over me and my world. It's oppressive and self-defeating IF I do not keep my eyes (my focus) squarely on the CREATOR at all times.

So One soldiers on, as I must...though I admit to no understanding of the bigger picture here, I do know one thing with the utmost certainty: I must continue ON. I must FOLLOW my LORD because what ever awaits me in the future, I know HE must lead me there because I have lived the alternative life and it was nothing short of catastrophe. And I have had ENOUGH of CATASTROPHE for one lifetime my friends, trust me on that!

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

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