Monday, May 28, 2012
I Could Have Killed Them...
There are times that it occurs to me that perhaps these moods I have...the Black Dog...Depression might simply be a very human response to the horror I have experienced and though I react to it like it is a negative thing...perhaps it is anything BUT negative. Perhaps it is the ultimate balancer of things....bring me down from the chaos..providing a calm...a trance-like existence to let me heal.
Yes heal...even today I need to heal physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually....I still bear physical scars from being raped...I cannot take a dump without pain. Every time I sit on a toilet I re-live that moment. It's a wonder I haven't become permanently constipated!
I close my eyes to sleep and the specters often appear...always laughing, leering...insulting. And the battle begins all over again...I lose every single time. Fighting the good fight? What good fight might that be...I get raped, beaten to a pulp and a life time of HORROR movies run constantly in my head for a life-time of viewing pleasure.
I think one of the things that has secretly always bothered me is that deep down I wanted to hurt those people...hurt them bad. Periodically I still have the fleeting thought of it. That does not sit well with me...not at all. I know I could have killed those men and would have given the chance. Deep in my soul it wounds me that I could kill, that I could lock and load and without hesitation put a bullet in the head of each one of those people and walk away stone cold.
Today, typically I don't feel that way and I have made major progress toward forgiveness. I honestly hope I keep making progress in that area and never EVER will that animal...the BEAST...who resides DEEP INSIDE me...also called RAGE and HATE show it's menacing self. I want PEACE, inside & out....you know I have NEVER known PEACE, not ONCE in my entire life and just once...one time I would really like to know what peace feels like.
That monkey is always on my back...it's time my friends to get the big BUGGER off of me...and RIGHT NOW!