There are times that it occurs to me that perhaps these moods I have...the Black Dog...Depression might simply be a very human response to the horror I have experienced and though I react to it like it is a negative thing...perhaps it is anything BUT negative. Perhaps it is the ultimate balancer of things....bring me down from the chaos..providing a calm...a trance-like existence to let me heal.
Yes heal...even today I need to heal physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually....I still bear physical scars from being raped...I cannot take a dump without pain. Every time I sit on a toilet I re-live that moment. It's a wonder I haven't become permanently constipated!
I close my eyes to sleep and the specters often appear...always laughing, leering...insulting. And the battle begins all over again...I lose every single time. Fighting the good fight? What good fight might that be...I get raped, beaten to a pulp and a life time of HORROR movies run constantly in my head for a life-time of viewing pleasure.
I think one of the things that has secretly always bothered me is that deep down I wanted to hurt those people...hurt them bad. Periodically I still have the fleeting thought of it. That does not sit well with me...not at all. I know I could have killed those men and would have given the chance. Deep in my soul it wounds me that I could kill, that I could lock and load and without hesitation put a bullet in the head of each one of those people and walk away stone cold.
Today, typically I don't feel that way and I have made major progress toward forgiveness. I honestly hope I keep making progress in that area and never EVER will that animal...the BEAST...who resides DEEP INSIDE me...also called RAGE and HATE show it's menacing self. I want PEACE, inside & out....you know I have NEVER known PEACE, not ONCE in my entire life and just once...one time I would really like to know what peace feels like.
That monkey is always on my back...it's time my friends to get the big BUGGER off of me...and RIGHT NOW!
Wow, Thom, Wow, oh wow...
ReplyDeleteThat you are anywhere near normal is a miracle.
Fight the good fight. TD
A miracle I'm alive really since I tried so hard to kill myself in the process...
DeleteThank you for your comments.
You have to forgive and let go. So they no longer have the power to hurt you again. Yes, it will be hard. You don't want them to hurt you over and over again. I say this from experience. Mine didn't set out to intentially hurt me, which does make it very different than yours. Through just not paying attention while driving, he changed my life, my families life and everyone I met.
ReplyDeleteYou are absolutely right... forgiveness is the only answer and as I mention in the post I'm getting there. Unfortunately few things in life happen by just flipping a switch...it takes time, experience...often heart-ache to finally beat the bastard.
DeleteI appreciate your post and your encouragement....so thank you for this. I wonder your story sounds familiar...have we met?
Virtual hugs, my friend. So many things swirling in my head from these words, but I can't get them to sit still long enough to put them down in any order that makes sense. If I can later, I will be back. But I had to honour your words with some response, so know that I understand, and that if there were some way to give you comfort, I would. Sending strength and peace to you.
ReplyDeleteThank you B...I just re-wrote part of that post so not sure version you got but I appreciate your response. It always helps to "hear" (so to speak) a friendly voice when dealing with such an ugly memory.
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