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Monday, May 21, 2012

The "I" Is 4 - INTENSITY

Hey...maybe it's time I just snapped out of the funk I'm in and become "Mr. Positive Thinker'.... Hmm, Naw, I don't think that's possible given the current state of affairs...

I just feel what I feel, I don't force it or pretend...the intensity is what it is. I am an intense individual and that can frighten some people....including, at various times...myself. I'm extremely passionate about the stuff I care about, a stickler for ethics and doing what's right, no matter the consequences, prone to stand up and fight the good fight for what I believe in. If if the cost of such a fight is high.

But with all that intense energy there often comes a lull, a down period and that may contribute to my periods of Black Dog (Depression). When I am fully engaged in something, I don't have time to think about anything else but when everything slows down, even when things are apparently fine...well I'm not so sure that doesn't trigger the black Dog scenario...I'm not positive about that but I have seen enough times where it has happened that I believe it is not a coincidence...

I think that is why I have always felt that I operated better, more effectively in a crisis. I have always handled chaotic situations...well. I think it's because that plays to my strength...all the intensity built up inside. I am good at reacting to things, putting out fires, using "triage" techniques to determine the worst, most serious issue to be taken care of first...then take the appropriate action to deal with the issue. I think that is why I had success in production management...there was a major crisis just about every dang day! All I did was put out one fire after another...all day (and night) long, day after day, week after week, month after month...

I also think that is why the drug days and intense partying were so appealing...working hard, playing even HARDER....and eventually the drinking and drug taking became an everyday thing. So when that all went away I did have some major issues adjusting the peace and quiet...and I think there are times that I still do. I also think that contributes to this emotional "letdown" that I have been experiencing lately. That is something I am going to pay more attention see if there is merit to that theory...I believe that there certainly is a connection but we shall see.

So this all may very well be just another bump in the road...time to re-evaluate how I'm doing, to see if there is perhaps something else or maybe different that I can do in my day to day life to work through this feeling of being "let down" when life is going well and all hell isn't breaking loose. I think this is becoming more relevant for me now because things are getting better in my life and there are more sustained periods of normalcy...of good, serene days where there is no trouble or chaos. Yes, that is a big part of recovery...learning how to live a reasonably "normal" life.

That is probably a hard concept for a non-addict/alcoholic to understand but I never really had NORMAL days...nope, things were always kind of crazy and I got so used to that as normal that I fed off the craziness, I needed it to sustain me and the momentum to keep on going through all the nonsense. So when I got sober and my life changed...there was part of my that was happy and relieved because living that way was a real challenge...but I also think I missed it to a certain extent and it has taken quite a while to adjust to the lifestyle. Slowly but surely I have...I just think there are days where I very fleetingly long for the chaos and I will feel a tinge of sadness because in my twisted mind, I miss it!

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