Monday, May 21, 2012
It's all Just Part Of Living, 'Ya Know!
There has been a mood or state of being that I have been experiencing fairly regularly lately that I struggle to describe but it has been the predominant way I've felt most of the lats week. It includes the "outsider" feelings I've discussed...those feelings of isolation, being different and feeling apart from others.
Again...none of this is new but I felt a little more alarmed about feeling this way now I guess because my mind is "telling me" I should NOT feel this way after nearly 6 years in recovery...no I should have a better handle on things after all this time. Well, it does not work that way....LIFE, does not work that way and we should know that if we are at all realistic.
So today is another day where I feel somewhat withdrawn from the norm even though I started my Monday meeting with a couple of guys at 8a for book study session...just as I always do. I started my day in prayer and meditation like I do every day yet the result was different then it usually is...I am not in a good place emotionally, physically, psychologically and spiritually. I know that...it is obvious if I just stop what I am doing and take an honest look at myself. I just have to stay the course...these storms usually pass and typically there is a fairly reasonable explanation.
The difficulty that arises is that it is my natural tendency to embrace the sorrow, the negative emotions and wallow in them instead of pushing through and knowing it will pass if I stay positive, stay open and connected to my CREATOR through prayer/meditation and DO NOT ISOLATE. That is critical...when I am feeling pressured, angry, hurt, resentful, lonely or any other negative type emotions my tendency is to isolate...get off by myself. Well that is dangerous for me because I am not good company for myself when things are tough, my thinking gets a tad "flaky"...I tend to make the wrong decisions under those circumstances and complicate matters even more.
This is the part of life, dealing with the hardships, the difficult decisions and day to day stuff that I used to love to just blow off and drink...then things seemed as bad as they were...of course I was MAKING them worse in the process!
Today I have not felt well physically which is always challenging but I am going to keep plugging away. I think getting a little fresh air sounds like a great idea right now so off to walk I go...
(Pics by KT)