Thursday, May 17, 2012
Keeping A Close Eye
I wonder if if I just care more now about what I say and do these days compared to the partying days when I just lurched from one day to through to the next. Now I actually think about what I am doing, what I say to people and how I am conducting myself. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't an animal before but my focus was without a doubt on me and what I wanted and how I could benefit from whatever it was that was going on.
Today...I really have an interest in what other's have to say to me and what is on their mind. This morning I spent a half an hour just talking with Marty up at the Clubhouse. It has become a part of my day I enjoy....just catching up with folks, discussing the current news...this folks, is something I NEVER did before while I was working. I did not take the time...I was too UBER-Focused on getting to the bottom line...not just about work but about EVERYTHING. I was so freaking obsessed with the destination but I all but blew off and ignored the journey...yea, that journey this little thing we call life!
It sounds nearly impossible to do but trust me...all I cared about were the results....never taking my time to enjoy the trip along the way. My vacations were often like that....we'd plan so many things that we were always driving hard and fast to get from one place to the next...it became stressful...and we were supposed to be on VACATION!!
I think the thing that bothers me the most about so much of this stuff is that I was always so convinced that I was right, that I KNEW what I was doing and that this was the ONLY way to really live ones life. I can now see that perhaps that was a contributing factor in my divorce as well...the fact I was so obsessed with finishing and not living..the insistence that I knew what was best...man that realization really sticks in my craw this afternoon...it bothers me a great deal.
But I know I made mistakes and the cool thing is that it is never too late to rectify them by making a change in the way you live...and that is really what my life is about. THAT is what RECOVERY..that word, that ACT, that LIFESTLE means...to realize the errors of my ways and CHANGE them. Very simple and it can be done.
I remember how insurmountable sobriety looked to me in June of 2006...I clearly remember thinking...there is not f**king way that i will ever be able to live...not to mention enjoy living without beer...drinking. I could not picture it at all. Yet I rarely if ever think about drinking.
I do however believe that I can think too much about how I can improve, how I can grow...etc. There are times I do think that I should shut that stuff off more and just live life without thinking about it instead of always measure it and compare. The problem is that it was not all that long ago that I was a mess so part of me never trusts myself, I feel like I did when all this was new to me, that I have to check myself all the time and make sure everything is in order and I am not screwing up.
I suppose there is still a healthy dose of fear there...i do not want to repeat the mistakes of my past...and even though it has been nearly 6 years, there is part of me that knows that I will always be vulnerable to my own weakness deep inside and the disease of addiction does not disappear when you are sober. No it's like Cancer being in remission except addiction waits for you to weaken, to convince yourself that you are now OK, that by some chance you can handle it now. The disease literally gets stronger during abstinence...
I'm not kidding..it is a proven fact that alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease...If a person has been sober for 10 years and starts to drink, the disease does not start where you left off or start over at the beginning...no, it picks up right where you would have been had you been drinking that whole 10 year period of time. I've done it and I've seen it...and it's true.
So I suppose being a wee bit wary is really a good thing when it comes to this. I can live with that I guess. I sometimes need to learn to be more loving and accepting of myself. I will forgive others long before I will ever forgive me...and that needs to change.
So much for writers block, eh?!