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Saturday, May 5, 2012

Humiliation On The THRONE

It is not uncommon for me to respond to questions about the severity of my beck, neck, shoulder knees and feet by saying things (with all seriousness) like: "I feel like I fell out of a tall tree" or "I feel like I've just been hit by a City Bus (City Bus" implying that it was being driven aggressively and going fast!)" and the oldie but goody: "my back feels like shattered glass".

The simple fact is I always hurt, suffering from severe, continuous pain is the "norm'...I never get relief. For the most part I have learned to compensate and cope with it so for the most part I can live with it but there are periods of extreme pain and it often feels like the agony of those episodes will never end. Severe, chronic pain and living with it can really play tricks with your mind but you just have to focus on a positive thing and think it through, stay in touch with reality and eventually it passes.                                                                       

But it is easy to lose touch with reality when the pain is so constant and severe. I can understand how some people give in to the pain and take there own lives, that certainly was a factor in my own decision to take my own life. After my failed attempt I know now in my heart that I could not do it. But that experience most certainly gave me great compassion for those who are hurting, I really feel for them and I know deep down just how they feel.

It has been rough go as of late and I have often felt like I just fell off a third floor balcony and I am still really struggling to stand, to walk or (and this is the worst one) to just get up after sitting on the toilet to go to the bathroom. It's not only just really painful but it is humiliating and you never quite get used to it.

Like a said the whole experience can really begin to mess with your head if you do not stay focused and in touch with your Creator. That for me keeps me centered because that all important "balance" I've written so much about truly is the key here in keeping me healthy and functional emotionally, spiritually, psychologically and yes...physically. 

Those four things are critical to a healthy life for anyone...especially a fellow like me who has had priorities turned around and walked a dangerous razors edge in regards to living with pain. I simply cannot afford to let my guard down...not for a second.

(PHOTO: Kathy Tomson)

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