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For those of you who know me this shall come as no surprise...I am an emotional person. I tend to wear my self, my whole self on my sleeve...for the entire world to see. Yes I have learned some discretion in the last couple of years (meaning I am no longer a loose cannon w/my emotions) realizing that there is a time and place for everything. I no long "go off" on an emotional tangent without out giving it some thought, without reasoning it through.
It is still an intense way to feel each and everyday of one's life and saying that I am intense is another accurate way to describe me.To the point that some of my in your face, straight forward behavior has frightened or intimidated some people in recent years. I can assure you that has never been my intention. I just telling it like it is and now I've learned to take some of the edge off my comments as time as gone by.
I bring this up this morning because I feel a little outta sorts from some recent interaction and I am not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, I do not feel that I have over-stepped any boundaries...I was honest, perhaps even blunt but I was sharing how I really felt about something, it was important enough to me to do so, especially considering that I had repressed the urge to do so on another occasion when I felt something was being incorrectly assumed or stereo-typed.
It is troubling because these days I don't like to hurt people or their feelings. I try hard to be a good listener, loving and understanding. At times I feel that means pointing out less then pleasant situations. And that does not always go well.
I have also learned that communication by text, private message, blog comment, email, etc can cause issues in itself because of the one-dimensional nature of that form of communicating. You can't immediately ask for clarification, there is no tone of voice to hear and discern sarcasm or anger or annoyance...it is easy to jump to an inaccurate conclusion and that happens quite frequently and things get blown out of proportion.
So I am left feeling a bit odd about commenting on blog right now and am not sure I will proceed....
It's not easy to be a good friend who says it like it is. The tricky part is to maintain a form of non-judgment, while letting them know how we feel.
ReplyDeleteIf you've communicated to this person how you felt with respect and honesty, I'd let it marinate a while. People tend to process things differently.
Also, remember - we can't conrol how people take things or feel.
You are a good person with a kind heart. Own that, and know that if this friendship is the real deal, it will be okay.
xxoo
Thank you Christine, I appreciate it. I think you're absolutely right and I am very aware that you cannot control other people or how they react. My wish is people know who I am and what I stand for. I make mistakes too sometimes...I just hope folks know I am doing my best.
ReplyDeleteThank you again my friend....T
Can't figure out what I want to say, trying to guard my words. I will start with, you are who you are, and as human beings, we are learning as we go. Hmm... me being a little more introspective might be a scary thing.
ReplyDeleteSo... here I go... On my blog and in my comments, I was explaining where I was, where I went and where I am, but in my brevity, you took it to be a personal attack against you and you automatically went on the defensive. Understandable. One of the things I struggled with is that you didn't say... "you sound as though", you were actually telling me what I meant, and that I was doing so clearly. The funny thing is, if humour can be found in it, is that growing up with an alcoholic, I think one of the first lessons I learnt was "Don't make him mad.", don't upset the drunk guy. This explains a lot, including my automatic response to back down and of wanting to withdraw.
Someone said to me that in the comment thread, you and I were like "two people talking past each other". A lot of this has to do with having personalities on the opposite end of the spectrum, and two different starting points.
All that being said, keep doing what you are doing. It's all about personal growth.
A couple of things SG. I was not and am not angry about anything you said...I was and am sad and disappointed by what I perceived as stereotypical judgmental language...you actually use it in this comment when you say "don't upset the drunk guy". And thinking "don't make him mad"....it's funny but I have written countless times in the blog that I was never an angry drunk, I always blamed myself and internalized any anger I had. Your assumption here couldn't be further from the truth...you weren't writing about me...you were writing about somebody else..
DeleteI also never felt that this was a personal attack on me...based on your comments and those you have made in the past, I did come to the conclusion that you were probably still very angry and resentful as a result of your experience and history with an alcoholic in the past. It is not unusual for a person with that experience to filter everything they see and think about alcoholism/addiction through YOUR specific experience.
In all honesty, the feelings I had about this have only been strengthened by your responses. It does feel like you have some resentment bleeding in from the past and that it indeed colors your judgment of alcoholics and yep, me as an alcoholic too.
I've noticed right from the very start of our communicating that anytime I would say I related to something you thought or felt...you would deny that that was possible because my experience was so much WORSE then yours. Almost as if that prevented us from relating to each other's emotions. It truly seems like that is inf you agreed that we could relate to something that somehow that nasty something that IS an alcoholic might splash off on you. You would go to great lengths to argue that we couldn't possibly relate to each other.
In closing I will let you in on a little secret: Of all the blogs I regularly read, I probably relate to your thoughts and feelings more then any other single person I read. I relate on an EMOTIONAL level...not by comparing our experience.Sometimes I think you let our experiences get in the way as if we COULDN'T possibly relate because you aren't an alcoholic, therefor it's impossible.
I guess we will agree to disagree and I am OK with that. SG, I have the utmost respect for you and what you have to say. Your posts and comments have been a great help and comfort to me over the time we have read each others work...T