Tuesday, May 29, 2012
The Tendency To DISAPPEAR
I wrote a post at the end of the day yesterday called: "I Could Have Killed Them". Posts like these have a sort of "state of my ability to forgive" quality to them as if I am checking in to see how much rage and anger are still impacting me on a day to day basis. I often don't like the answer and I didn't like the answer I got yesterday either.
I want to be over this, I do not want to keep carrying around this weight, this heaviness that never goes away. These posts like this tend to alarm some readers and I understand that...the pronouncements about having the ability to kill sound shocking and they are. Understand that there is no danger on those feelings being acted on but I share them to demonstrate How much this has IMPACTED, hurt and destroyed a good part of me.
Innocence...youth...idealism...HOPE...well they all have a tendency to disappear when this shit happens. And it seems hopeless that I can ever get even a tiny little bit of it back...
Then something will happen that does encourage me and I persevere. That is just how it goes sometimes and there is no rhyme or reason to it at all.
But I assure the reader that great progress has been made and I feel more hopeful then ever that a time will come when I no longer think of that day...every day. I believe that...I really, truly....DO