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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Leaking My Sadness All Over The Place...

I was having a short conversation with my mother this evening when she said that her and my father were concerned about me because I seemed "burdened"..."like the weight of the world was on me". The comment really caught me by surprise, disturbed me and I had to think about it for awhile. Though I do carry a certain amount of baggage from the past around I don't really feel burdened...not enough that my parents would notice.

It was disturbing in the sense that I have always gone to great lengths to keep my troubles out of the view of my parents...they have been through enough, are in their eighties and I don't want them worrying about me. So for them to have that concern bothers me. It also means that i am showing more emotion on the outside then I care to and that is troubling as well....

I just feel like I have hurt them enough in my life-time...I do not want my Mum/Dad worrying or being troubled by me or my behavior so I have to give this one some thought. I wasn't prepared for them to notice that I am troubled by anything. They do not know the full details of my past...they know something happened and I basically told them they didn't really want to know the details and they agreed. I think that's true for my father, he doesn't like stuff like feelings and talking about stuff that has happened. But my mum is different and she has occasionally pressed me for more information. I do not want her to know, specifically about the rape.

She has a tendency to find a way to blame herself and I think she would do that in this case as well. Because I was 12 when it happened I think it would upset her that I was in a place where that could happen to me. 

I don't know...I never wanted to go here with them and now they are noticing that I have a "heaviness" about me...which is strange in itself because I thought I was doing pretty well but something is leaking out the side for all to see...Hmmm!


  1. Yikes... I am the same with my parents. I recently surprised my mother by mentioning a bullying incident from middle school, completely forgetting that I never told her or dad about any of that.

    I hope this won't sound too harsh, but in all honesty I think it would have been better had your parents found out immediately when it happened. They might or might not have been able to provide you with the help you needed (I believe this might be one of the most devastating things for any parent to process), but at least you would not have carried that burden all alone for all these years.

    That being said, I would probably do the same thing you are doing now... try to make it so that they wouldn't worry about me too much. I see how my divorce has been hard for them to process and sometimes it is just easier to omit certain aspects than have to emotionally carry myself AND them. It's funny how we end up protecting them sometimes, no?

    I'm not being very constructive today, am I, only empathetic. Hang in there and I know you will plough through.

    1. On the contrary, your comments have been very helpful to me this morning. I always find it helpful to hear another perspective. At times I agree that it would have been better had they known but then on the other hand I was 12 and the thought that ANYBODY else would know what had happened to me sounds so humiliating and impossible. The law would have been involved...I was in an adult establishment when it happened (a club/private club). I was with the older brother of neighborhood friends...Ach...way too complex.

      But I appreciate hearing your thoughts on handling it now...especially since your ar currently back with your parents. What resonated most with me and I haven't really considered it is that I too am emotionally carrying myself...and them. And honestly Chris I have to find a way to stop doing is too much of an emotional drain and perhaps that is the burden my folks are seeing. It very well could be.

      I am not sure how old your parents are but another critical element of my situation with them is that they are 82 and 79 and their aging has really become an issue for me.I hesitate to write this but since it was a major illness of my father that led to my moving here permanently, it seems as if i am watching them slowing die increments at a time. It would be much easier to be detached physically as my sister is but no...I have to deal with every crisis...large and small, real or imagined. The hearing loss, forgetfulness and lack of mobility. Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful that I can be here for them and I really wouldn't want it any other way but I've just realized (thanks to your comment) that I am carrying them emotionally and it is much too much for me to bear.

      The challenge now will be to find some healthy and constructive ways to NOT do that any more.

      So thank you my friend...that was very helpful.

      I a cosmic or spiritual sense...I have been "pulling" for you my friend. Divorce is so final, rough and raw....I think how difficult it was for me. You are using the tools available to you (writing/venting, etc0 to worh through and release some of that pressure and I am glad to see it. I did not and all of that negative stuff turned inward. I was prone to blaming myself anyway so it was easy to take ALL of the blame nearly was the end of me.

      Though your hurt and doubt and fear and uncertainty, etc are evident in your posts...that is as it should be. Divorce sucks and it needs to be worked it takes time. I could be WAY off here but it seems as if you are at least on the right road to recovery and restoration.

      Peace friend...T

    2. My parents are in their late fifties, very healthy and still working, knock wood. Your parents are at a very sensitive age, physically and emotionally, and your dynamic is very different. What's done is done and of course you probably won't tell them now. Take good care of them to repay what they did for you when you were younger, and enjoy the time you have together.

      But the reason this post resonated with me is that recently I had to be reminded, by a close friend, that no matter how hard a situation is, that's what family is for. It sounds like stating the obvious, but not if you are anything like me, in which case you probably keep too much to yourself and do not share even the slightest concerns with your family, "so as not to cause worry." I am learning how to share more now (better late than never) and am finding that shared burdens and situations are much lighter and resolved more quickly. Whew.

      As far as divorce goes, thank you for seeing the hurt and doubts in my blog posts - that meant a lot as I was recently told that I tend to portray myself better than I am and as if I were already over it all. Ah well. Blaming either yourself or your partner seems to be the simplest way of coping, but you end up hating either yourself or your partner, and I don't think that is very constructive. True growth resides in owning your actions and seeing the other persons' for what they were. Sounds simple but is easier said than done. And there I go preaching to the choir again...

      Thanks for the dialogue, and have a great day.