Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Leaking My Sadness All Over The Place...
I was having a short conversation with my mother this evening when she said that her and my father were concerned about me because I seemed "burdened"..."like the weight of the world was on me". The comment really caught me by surprise, disturbed me and I had to think about it for awhile. Though I do carry a certain amount of baggage from the past around I don't really feel burdened...not enough that my parents would notice.
It was disturbing in the sense that I have always gone to great lengths to keep my troubles out of the view of my parents...they have been through enough, are in their eighties and I don't want them worrying about me. So for them to have that concern bothers me. It also means that i am showing more emotion on the outside then I care to and that is troubling as well....
I just feel like I have hurt them enough in my life-time...I do not want my Mum/Dad worrying or being troubled by me or my behavior so I have to give this one some thought. I wasn't prepared for them to notice that I am troubled by anything. They do not know the full details of my past...they know something happened and I basically told them they didn't really want to know the details and they agreed. I think that's true for my father, he doesn't like stuff like feelings and talking about stuff that has happened. But my mum is different and she has occasionally pressed me for more information. I do not want her to know, specifically about the rape.
She has a tendency to find a way to blame herself and I think she would do that in this case as well. Because I was 12 when it happened I think it would upset her that I was in a place where that could happen to me.
I don't know...I never wanted to go here with them and now they are noticing that I have a "heaviness" about me...which is strange in itself because I thought I was doing pretty well but something is leaking out the side for all to see...Hmmm!