Sunday, May 13, 2012
The Slow, Rolling SADNESS...It's OK, It's just ME.
I really have some difficult feelings, just barely out of sight from most of the people in my life. It's troubling, it's personal stuff and YES...it has to do with the feelings, actions and behavior of another person or several people. Which means I have absolutely NO control over it at all because I can't control the actions of other people.
In my recovery I have really tried my best to make amends for my behavior from the past. I've gone to great lengths in making those amends. But I am far from perfect and I know there are more things I can do. Changing the way I live my life, of course is always the best way to make amends...starting of course with not drinking, etc. And I have made much progress in that area but as with everything else...one can always do better so I must continue to improve.
But there is still damage done that hasn't been fixed, maybe I've missed some things and people haven't been forthcoming. Perhaps and most probably some of that may never happen, it's not automatic so one never knows.
There are also situations where I have been hurt, even recently... and I have to believe those incidents have their roots in events that took place long ago. But "my new life style" is also upsetting to some old friends and family...they want me back the way (they thought) I was and wish that none of this recovery stuff had ever been necessary...I think it embarrasses some folks. But I can not control the past...I cannot change it...God, sometimes I wish I could.
So I feel like there are precious, priceless aspects of my life...especially people particularly, that are gone forever and there is nothing I can do about it now...I have no control over the way people will react. But I certainly miss them...more then any one could ever possibly know. It is as if a significant part of myself has gone missing in action and there is not much hope that it will ever be found. It is a huge gaping, open wound that I have been in denial about...yet, I am reminded constantly of it each and every day.
Like a low morning fog rolling in....this element of the Soul Sickness follows me along my day to day journey...never going away and never fully revealing the extent of it's purpose. I am at once perplexed..afraid, hurt and NUMB.
I don't want any more divisiveness in our lives yet it's there and I can do nothing to my knowledge to make it go away. So I sit alone in my own fog of sadness and contemplate...WHAT?!