Friday, May 4, 2012
One of the fairly recent developments in my life has been as a result of my health struggles of the past 6 years or so I have a hard time eating, particularly a meal. It is often unpleasant to eat and most foods with the exception of broth oriented soups and ice cream, really bother me. Most other food makes me nauseous or ill for a period of time after I eat.
When I am at home, I can eat in little bits to lesson the effect of this. But tonight we are going to a restaurant with another couple and frankly I dread it. And I am a guy who used to love eating out...going to new places, trying all different kinds of new food. We are going Mexican and I have been preparing all day by coating my stomach, taking my stomach medication, bringing the chalky....calcium enriched TUMS with me. Yea, it really takes the fun out of it.
I wonder what K even sees in me to tell you the truth, I'm really not fun any more from a going out and doing stuff point of view. I've become more introspective... preferring to be alone, write or read....or spend time with K just the two of us. Part of it might be that I am an old, broken down guy with ALL this freaking physical disability, baggage from the past. And there may be some truth to that assessment....but another part of it most certainly is that I have, for lack of a better way to explain it: "Been there and Done That"...literally.
I have lived the fast life...I've partied at will, doing endless lines of Coke until the sun set then rose, then set, then rose again. I've traveled everywhere, eaten in the finest restaurants, stayed in magnificent hotels and spent money for years without ever thinking about how I was going to pay for it...and it was paid.
It does make me feel bad today...K never had that kind of life...other then the first year we were together when she pretty much had all the Coke she could ever do but I was in FULL self-destruct mode and was no longer really traveling. Just partying like a ROCK STAR with no cares at all.
I think she wishes some of the old fire was left in me but frankly i am weary of that life and I have no interest to pursue any of that or to even travel or go out much. I appreciate the simple existence so much more and don't ever see me going back. I am 10 years older in age but in REAL years I am LIFE-TIMES older then she...I am like a timeless character from another world in so many ways and I can no longer relate to things that motivate most people today.
I often wonder how this will all end...