Sunday, May 20, 2012
The "PAIN MAN"
I have to be honest here...these are the kind of posts that I do not like to write...not at all. Give me the posts about new discoveries and growth, finding serenity and that some things in life are now starting to make sense. Those are the fun posts to write...they feel good! And I can even handle the posts about my past...how difficult and horrible things were, what it took to break free from the chains of selfishness, how much I hurt the people who cared about me, etc. Those can be really tough one's to write, because those were painfully difficult times but they are history and something much, much better has replaced those awful experiences.
But that is not the kind of post I am writing tonight. Nope...the post that I least like to write are the posts where I write about my current struggles...pain that I am experiencing RIGHT NOW, the stuff that I have NO CLUE how to resolve at the moment or even make just a little bit better. Even just acknowledging that I have a ways to go before things can get better...
Tonight...this very moment, I am really hurting inside...I mean hurting like I never expected to ever hurt like this again. Yet here I am....feeling so lost and full of sorrow, not knowing which way I WANT to turn, feeling mistrustful and recognizing the gathering storm clouds on the horizon of my life.
It is a sad Truth about me that there have been times that I am attracted to the pain, that I will actually cultivate it, dance with the sorrow and embrace the heartache. I never knew why just that I did and I always accepted that as my fate or destiny.
An old Native American buddy once told me that I am an Old Soul...that it was my higher calling to bear the pain and sorrow for many others so that they could live happy and free lives...in other words I was CHOSEN to suffer and I at some point in my many life-times, accepted that burden and have subsequently lived lives accepting the burden for other peoples pain. It is actually considered a huge honor to be one of these "chosen ones"....it is considered a Holy Endeavor.
Yea, yea...I know what you're thinking...
"what a load of hooey that is" and I think that too...most of the time. But there are moments where everything seems to fit, where that notion makes FAR too much sense and it really does seems to be the TRUTH. Like it or not...believe it or not, the truth is I have done more then my fair share of hurting in this life time. For whatever reason I have actually lived the life of a "Pain Man" and it does seem entirely believable at times that this could in fact be my fate.
Well whatever the case may be...I am most certainly in a prolonged period of intense emotional, psychological and spiritual pain to go along with the physical pain I experience everyday as a result of my injury/disability. Honestly, because I am so used to it and it has become "my norm"...the physical pain is pretty much the least of my worries. The other three though frighten me....I am less sure how to handle those and I had recently begun to think, to be quite frank, that the worst of my days were over in those areas of my life. Ach! It obviously turned out that I was WRONG!
Since I have been in recovery (going on nearly 6 years now) I typically go back to the "basics" when I am struggling and do some of the fundamental recovery activities that I started out with in the beginning. This is a very natural reaction for me, it is usually a very effective way of dealing with these situations and that is exactly what I have done. But this time...there really hasn't been much of an improvement or change. No this has continued to be a very "Soul Searing" experience for me and I strongly believe there is a time and a purpose for everything so I will do my best to endure and learn.
But it obviously bothers me that I cannot figure out what's really going on and that I have to just have faith and trust that God has me in the palm of HIS hand.