Sunday, March 4, 2012
The danger, as I see it in allowing myself to feel those emotions of fear, sadness, anger, resentment, etc. relating to my being raped is that if you embrace it too long & too hard that you can almost become defined by the emotion...or worse yet the act itself. And I will NOT accept that...it won't happen. I am not the personification of RAPE...I refuse to be a living and breathing version of human sorrow.
That has always been the danger and certainly I have been aware of it but I see it so often where someone has such difficulty letting go that they are defined by that one and only experience. It was and is important to identify that yes, these issues are not fully dealt with here, that becomes obvious when in the course of being open and honest you sense that there is something still very hurtful going on but now I know how to react to it..there are still some festering sores so I can't ignore em if I wanted to.
That is kind of how the process works for me today...I mainly just need to stay aware of my feelings and the rest kind of happens. It wasn't always so obvious when I first started dealing with this stuff. There were times that I would just blurt things out that happened to me and upset people even when it wasn't my intention to do so.
I did that to someone who is close to one of my children...I told them about what had happened to me. And my behavior seems to have had such a negative impact on that person that even years later, she really doesn't want to have anything to do with me. It hurts me a great deal...I feel responsible but then again I don't agree with her reaction....I guess I would have expected at least a little compassion...or understanding, even if it's just for me making a mistake by telling her. I don't know, what can you do?!
So I stay in tune with where I am emotionally and keep plugging along...