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Saturday, March 3, 2012


Whenever I hurt hard...about that one THING I wished to GOD never happened, I will often find myself led back by some imaginary hand to Tori...We've been very good friends since Little Earthquakes. I thought my relationship with Tori would change after Marcia and I were divorced  in 2005 because we were both quite fond of her. I figured I'd lose Tori to Marcia like I seemed to had lost everything else but as it turned out...we stuck together.  I remember a concert of hers in 1992 when she announced that Bill Clinton was going to be elected...not sure why I remember that but it was something historic after 12 years of Reagan then George Bush the 1st.

                                                                                                                          I am not sure exactly how I discovered her music but I still feel moved greatly by music today  so I suppose I heard the Little Earthquakes Album somewhere and the they say is history. I know now that the song Me and a Gun had something to do with it...I knew she had been raped...before I ever heard her perform the song simply by the way she handled herself. Funny...but we rape victim's seem to "know" each other..sense when others of our kind are around. I used to think it was an aura of some aura of hurt, perhaps sadness maybe or both.

I apologize tonight, my friends for I am hurting inside and the hurt runneth over...spilling out into the open for all, I'm see. I feel naked and vulnerable all over again. I shared those feeling with my Kimmi when I broke down and she held me for a very long time...when this happens, when my memory goes back to that day you see, I am 12 years old again. And now when I hurt like this, I pray...on my knees I pray, as I have never prayed before and this "knee praying" is a relatively knew maneuver for me as is FAITH for I haven't believed  in Jesus as my Savior but for a  a wee little while....So yes...this  being brought to my knees, forced by sadness to my knees but praying to my Creator well helps...on bruised and wounded helped.

And now as I often have in the past I turn to Tori and her music...

Sorry but sometimes I just have to go may want to skip this next one...Me and a GUN

OK...I think I have found my feet (and my heart) again. Thank you for coming along for the ride...if you dared. Her music, from early on was a healing took the "sting" out of that reminded and reminds me today that such beauty can rise from a pile of steaming shit and become something PRECIOUS and remain Precious...forever.

I was protective of Tori going through my divorce because I felt like I discovered and brought her into the marriage and I was determined not to lose her..and I didn't. I don't know why I fought to hold onto her when I let everything else it seems....go yet I did and I am grateful...quite grateful I did.


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