When I HURT HARD

Whenever I hurt hard...about that one THING I wished to GOD never happened, I will often find myself led back by some imaginary hand to Tori...We've been very good friends since Little Earthquakes. I thought my relationship with Tori would change after Marcia and I were divorced  in 2005 because we were both quite fond of her. I figured I'd lose Tori to Marcia like I seemed to had lost everything else but as it turned out...we stuck together.  I remember a concert of hers in 1992 when she announced that Bill Clinton was going to be elected...not sure why I remember that but it was something historic after 12 years of Reagan then George Bush the 1st.

                                                                                                                          I am not sure exactly how I discovered her music but I still feel moved greatly by music today  so I suppose I heard the Little Earthquakes Album somewhere and the rest...as they say is history. I know now that the song Me and a Gun had something to do with it...I knew she had been raped...before I ever heard her perform the song simply by the way she handled herself. Funny...but we rape victim's seem to "know" each other..sense when others of our kind are around. I used to think it was an aura of some sort...an aura of hurt, perhaps sadness maybe or both.


I apologize tonight, my friends for I am hurting inside and the hurt runneth over...spilling out into the open for all, I'm afraid...to see. I feel naked and vulnerable all over again. I shared those feeling with my Kimmi when I broke down and she held me for a very long time...when this happens, when my memory goes back to that day you see, I am 12 years old again. And now when I hurt like this, I pray...on my knees I pray, as I have never prayed before and this "knee praying" is a relatively knew maneuver for me as is FAITH for I haven't believed  in Jesus as my Savior but for a  a wee little while....So yes...this  being brought to my knees, forced by sadness to my knees but praying to my Creator well YEA....it helps...on bruised and wounded knees...it helped.


And now as I often have in the past I turn to Tori and her music...

Sorry but sometimes I just have to go here...you may want to skip this next one...Me and a GUN

OK...I think I have found my feet (and my heart) again. Thank you for coming along for the ride...if you dared. Her music, from early on was a healing salve...it took the "sting" out of that memory...it reminded and reminds me today that such beauty can rise from a pile of steaming shit and become something PRECIOUS and remain Precious...forever.

I was protective of Tori going through my divorce because I felt like I discovered and brought her into the marriage and I was determined not to lose her..and I didn't. I don't know why I fought to hold onto her when I let everything else it seems....go yet I did and I am grateful...quite grateful I did.

Bonus: