Monday, March 5, 2012
Shadow Dancing In the Misty Morning Sun: Who am I?
I'm not sure that everyone at some point in their life doesn't feel like they are at times two different people. And i think that can break down in different ways...most of us who are parents will have the "mom/dad" them and then they have their "adult" self. It's not unusual for people at work to have a professional persona that differs from the less serious, etc person they are outside of work. This is fairly normal, understandable and acceptable.
I...on the other hand have often felt at times, particularly in the past that I was never really me...even when I tried to be me. I will be quite honest here...even as I kicked the idea around for this post I did wonder if I would even be able to actually describe what I was talking about in a way that people could understand.
This is not a situation where I feel like I am putting on an act...no, it is mostly a sub-conscience phenomenon that I realize later and think...that's not me? Even today I hold things back (I know that is going to be impossible for readers of this blog to believe considering what i choose to write about here), in person...I do not readily reveal my true personality right away to people because I've become protective of it...and wary of how other folks my perceive me. The blog tends to be an exception and I feel less vulnerable opening myself up there.
But then in another way...there are times where I will feel almost detached from the situation going on in front of me and it seems as if I am observing the whole scene from afar. That is the feeling that is the most difficult to describe or explain...like there is literally a "shadow self"...a second person in me with a second sight..
Often when I have relived my rape experience, in a dream/day dream or just involuntarily thinking it through...I picture it as if I am a third party observing the whole scene from afar...usually from above. I have noticed that phenomenon and unique perspective almost since it happened to me, it has been a very long time...as a matter of fact I think that is the way that it always has been....my very first recollections were from afar and I recall feeling detached from it physically AND emotionally.
So I don't know if what I am writing about here is one particular even, phenomenon or 2 or 3 separate things. But by far the most odd and the one i noticed the most is observing the rape from afar because I will often switch from that "view-point" to seeing it through my own eyes almost like I am watching "sports cameraman style coverage" of the event.
I know it does sound odd and it is difficult for me to adequately explain but I gave it my best. Of course I started posting about the SA again so it came up and I was re-living part of it last night while eating dinner...Yes as I was eating I was reliving the experience of sexual assault almost as if I am watching it on television. I don't think Kim had a clue as I was sitting there eating supper that I was visualizing the rape. I know... this is all very, very strange!
(Photo by Tracy Padmos)