OK, please listen up...as you may gather, my dear reader friend(s)...whatever stressers of yesterday have now folded themselves into my accepted realities of life...and I have moved on. It's all part of the process of coping I've landed on after years of trial and error. And I would venture so far as to say as effective as a tool as it is today with helping me work through things that I am struggling with...that unfortunately I've discovered that communicating my actions and feelings/thoughts about it here on the blog have obviously created some misconceptions.
What do I mean when I say...misconceptions? A long term reader of Shell Shock Serenade recently enlightened me about a few things through a "comment" conversation we were having about a recent blog post on her own blog. What she told me really caught me by surprise. With out going into a ton of detail she basically said her impression of my life today was quite negative...one of constant pain from a deteriorating body, reliving issues from the past, more health issues relating to not being able to sleep...etc.
Well on the surface all of those things are true and I do write about those issues as I experience them. The disconnect was that I believed I was clearly communicating that though those were issues that I live with...that they didn't and wouldn't EVER define my life on a day to day basis or control who or what kind of person I was. I truly thought I'd done a better job of letting readers know that though those issues often get the headlines...they don't really represent my entire life. The figure I used today in a message to her was that stuff is maybe 10% of me...who and what i am.
I thought it was clear that the volunteer stuff, my relationship with Kim, the joy of just being released from the dark, stark word I once lived in was nothing short of miraculous and I was so grateful for what was happening to me. I know it can be a challenge for a person who has not been exposed to the kind of difficulties I have experienced to put them in proper perspective. they cannot fathom how that can become just another thing from the past and the focus needs to stay "in TODAY...which is how I try to live.
It is true that I can and often do focus more on the stuff from the past when it comes up because that is the nature of alcoholism/addiction and healing from Sexual Assault. Stuff comes back that needs to be dealt with and I deal with it. Documenting that is a great way to point out to others (re:readers) how living with that total awareness can often prevent stuff from turning negative. Not just for "addicts" or "abused" people but for anyone.
I think what is hard for some folks is they read or hear my story and in their mind they focus on the experience itself, saying that they never in any possible way could relate to that person. And that is where I not only totally disagree but I know they are wrong because it is the feelings NOT the event that matter. And with a "feeling oriented focus" any human being can then relate to any other human being right down at that emotional level.
I think it becomes almost judgmental in a way though I don't believe in most cases that is intentional. they somehow think these things happened because I was a bad person. I suppose where I need to do a better job is in describing my whole life not just now but back then. The "harrowing" tales of suicide attempts, self hatred, over-doses all happened in the span of a year...at the very END of my drinking when I was completely hitting the rock bottom of life.
Most of my life not just as a child but as an adult was fantastic. I raised two kids and though it wasn't perfect I was a caring loving, attentive father. I had my issues like any one else but I was very aware and tried to improve when I made mistakes. I loved and love my parents and sister very much and was a good son and brother most of the time.
I had some good success professionally and made money, had nice homes and cars. I loved my wife a great deal. Sometimes I guess when people read the blog they latch onto the fact that I am brutally honest about the areas where I struggled and interpreted that I was some kind of an evil monster...WRONG...I was a kind and gentle father...I love and loved to laugh and do so all the time.
So perhaps I need to stress that side of me more where I live a full, happy and yea JOYOUS life the majority of a time...I just took it for granted that since people who know me figured it out that the blog readers would too.
So Today I will start...I'll try and keep that all in mind as I write about my life from now on but honestly though...I will not pretend, nor exaggerate to create any kind of "image"...It is too important to me to represent TRUTH as I live it then to project something I am not.
Let's see how it goes. Feedback is most certainly welcome so feel free to comment...
(Photo: Kathy Tomson)
Ah... see... that was merely your misconceived impression of my impression, or your misconception of my very brief comments. There is much that I see and understand, but that I do NOT say within the boundaries of my brevity. This has caused a few problems in my life, even when I was a kid, not just in the limited space of blog comments. No biggie though I hope. I find it hard to believe that my LACK of words prompted you to write all that.
ReplyDeleteOh... if it wasn't my comment, then feel free to not post this. Heh.
I went ahead and posted this even though, no it really wasn't focused on or limited to our recent discussion in you're comments section of "Musings"...though I will cop to getting the seed of the idea from there because I felt there were times you were jumping to conclusions but that is a problem I HAVE...always feeling misunderstood (notice I say it is MY problem and I truly believe it is).
ReplyDeleteYou are correct in that all of what I wrote didn't come from your brief comments...it just opened the door to a whole, long history of thoughts and feelings about this subject. I actually have felt that way all my life and I knew that writing a blog would kind of encourage that so I accept it but it can still rankle.
I'm a wee bit cranky for other reasons today, one of which is I stupidly watched the movie Full Metal Jacket last night...any time I watch something by Stanley Kubrick it screws up my head for a couple of days...this is no different.
So I'm gonna close..."The Bird, The Bird, The Bird is the WORD..."
All people jump to their own conclusions, I do, you do and just like I've been way off base misinterpreting your meaning at times, you've missed a few times too...that's really all part of the fun.
The only thing I regret about this post is the title...it doesn't even come close to representing what I wanted it to but I get reluctant to change things because I strive to capture everything in real time. Being in a hurry is the reason the title doesn't work.
Typically when I comment on anything you or anyone else I have some history with my comments usually reflect my whole experience with that one person and I do that to avoid taking things out of context...