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Monday, April 30, 2012


I am a lot of things but naive isn't one of them. Self-delusional isn't one of them either...I am facing e few TRUTHS tonight that I fear are undeniably FACT in my case.

I honestly am really struggling this evening because I am beginning to think and feel that perhaps I  would be wise to avoid all romantic relationships now and in the future. I do not think that I am built for them and they never end well. 

I am really struggling with trust...not trust in terms of being faithful or fearing unfaithfulness but because I cannot accept being mislead, deceived or lied to...whatever the reason. I do not deal well when people are not honest with is a show stopper, period. No matter how hard I try and I cannot seem to succeed.

I don't feel lost or angry or lonely or anything just different then everyone else. I just feel like I cannot deal with this continuing is not healthy for me or anybody else.

Perhaps the time has now come to consider going at things differently....I know this post will kick off a fire storm but I am hurting tonight and there is much I can do about it.


  1. Again, I'm coming from a completely different place but have plenty of trust issues myself. And I have also found out that sometimes what we fear the most in others is in fact what we fear in ourselves. Maybe why I don't trust people is that, for whatever reason, I feel that I can't be trusted?

    Once again, you have your own background and history with this feeling, and I won't even pretend to understand your complete motivation behind this post. However, I don't mean to be anything but sensitive here. If any of this is out of line, I apologize and you can feel free to chuck it out the window. It's just that this post struck an alarm with me that I felt I had to respond to.

    And finally, about 'not being built for relationships' - a few months ago I had a similar conversation with a dear friend, and I told him that no matter the circumstances or state of mind, there is not a soul in this world to whom the right to happiness is denied in advance. Sometimes we don't have a choice and sorrow indeed comes a-knockin' on our door, but there is no way that 'it just wasn't meant for us.' Give it some time and meditation and see how it crystallizes further. I wish you luck and peace with it.

  2. I agree, no one is pre-determined to be alone or unattached. I am obviously venting about a specific issue and an ongoing one in our relationship (K and I). I was not kidding when I have posted how difficult relationships are for me and how much work they take to remain vibrant and healthy. K and I both have areas where we have work to do. And some of these issues (including this one, honesty) go way back to when we first met. I meant it when I said all addicts are is a critical asset for survival as a functional alcoholic/addict. And the habit is hard to break even long after one is in recovery.

    There are of course many ways to lie or be dishonest...lying by omission or "half-truth" is an issue in our relationship. Omission meaning I may tell only PART of the story, the other part is BETTER left unsaid. Those are the kind of subtitles we are working on these days as well as they out right lie which happens occasionally too.

    Dishonesty has not been as difficult an issue for me as it has been for Kim, she acknowledges this, it is a fact. But I have real issues with trust and anger that she does not have so we both have challenges.

    We I was feeling a bit "snake-bit" last night, where it seemed I was destined to fail once again is because take this stuff so seriously...perhaps TOO seriously. Then I think, can one EVER take HONESTY too seriously? That's crazy. To me today, after all I have survived and experienced the requirement for honesty in a relationship is absolute...I will NO LONGER COMPROMISE. That is when I wonder if I am built for a relationship. Is that "requirement unrealistic? Is it too extreme? I wonder...

  3. Aw honey, so sorry you are suffering right now.

    You know my reading this is coloured by recent events in my own life - I named a truth that he preferred to be left un-named, and have now been banished, and called a liar, because of it.

    Please be patient, and when she tries to explain her side, really HEAR what she is saying - try not to run it through a filter of assumptions you already have. Keep the lines of communication open, and work through this together. Are you still doing the pre-marriage counselling, or would it be possible to use your pastor as a mediator on this issue? Sometimes a third party with no history or emotional loading can give a helpful perspective.

    Sending peace and strength to you both.


    1. You are correct of course about really hearing. As I've explained in my comment above to Chris and in a follow up post this is a well worn issue with us. And I am understanding of all the contributing factors it just builds up nd I wonder whether I am capable of being flexible enough anymore to be in a relationshi this intense. Dealing with all my own recovery issues is a ng...there are two recoveries that have to be considered and accounted for. It just makes me wonder if I can do it sometimes....