I have been feeling rebellious lately. On the surface someone might read that and chuckle thinking "we all feel rebellious once in awhile". And a lot of folks will "let their hair down" occasionally too. That isn't what I am talking about at all. As a matter of fact my choice of words are really describing what I am really feeling here. "Twitchy", "Dangerously Restless" or "playing w/Fire" may indeed all be a little closer to the truth...
Once in awhile I'll almost get a death wish and want to do IT all over again...if you know what I mean. Yes...there are times I miss the old life style and yet the mere mention of that thought is nothing short of totally insane. That is why in recovery circles they talk about the insanity of our disease...
But the first few times that I felt this way after I got clean, it really messed me up because I thought I was really going to go through with it.The truth is I never even got close to relapsing but the feelings and the compulsion to use were very, very real and they frightened the hell out of me.
Today I fully realize that feeling this way comes with the territory...Let's face it, it is what us junkies do...we think about partying all the time. NOT TO...wouldn't be NORMAL. The main thing is to recognize it for what it is...a passing fancy. So it's important to not get wigged out about it and it will pass...and it always does.
I typically follow that up by taking a close look at what's going on in my life...usually something is a bit out of kilter spiritually. More often then not the cause is spiritual because I get away from prayer and meditation and then I start to believe I am actually in control....ah, WRONG!
The truth is left to my own devices I CAN and WILL screw up a Wet Dream...SO I have to turn that stuff over to the CREATOR and have faith that this is what has kept me clean and sober for so long. And I scurry back to practicing my recovery program the way I should.
I am certain that today's little Emotional Adventure will be no different...
Ahhh, I know exactly what you mean! I have this thing I call my "F*ck it switch". My hand is usually hovering around that little bugger...once it goes off, I'm in trouble.
ReplyDeleteI feel that way often and have had a few experiences with pills recently in the past couple years that I'm not proud of, but it's a daily struggle. You are so right, to NOT think about it, wouldn't be normal for us addicts.
It's the ones who recognize their weaknesses who have the ability remain strong.
You're an inspiration.
xxoo
Christine, the "F**k it switch" is the perfect way to describe it...and that is exactly what I had today, ROYAL case of the "F**k It's"...big time! It is as natural for me to self medicate as it is to breath...it's really that much a part of who I am. It is truly a frightening thought when you look at it like that but that is the way it is.
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