Saturday, September 10, 2011
"I didn't belong"...or "I felt like I was outside looking in" or "I always felt different then everyone else" or "I was a fifth wheel" or "There was everyone else, then there was me" and the list could go on and on. What am I talking about, you may ask? It's the voice of alienation. The sound of those faceless thousands, the alienated...it 'tis alienation given a voice...the faceless, voice of legions of those who believe that they just don't measure up...or so THEY believe.
I to belonged to that group...of those who didn't belong...was one of the alienated...I just never felt like I fit in or belonged...anywhere, at any time...to anything. I was a social outcast...a lone wolf...ALONE.
So that was the deal...I never fit in and I never belonged...of course I never did try to fit or belong to anything either. I checked out of life, at an early age actually and never gave it or anything a chance. A voice deep inside off me always was shouting that I didn't measure up...that I wasn't good enough so why should I even try.
That actually was the real deal...I could never know if I truly fit in or not because I never actually gave it a chance...you can't get rejected if you never try in the first place. I know now, that was the deal. I was never rejected...i was so unsure of who I was that I wouldn't...i couldn't even RISK rejection. NOPE...easier to just hang in the shadows and claim to be different..."special" or unique.
Funny...I never felt special or unique...I just bad about myself.
I am thinking on this subject today because whenever I have a social opportunity like I do today to attend a Fish BOIL, I run through this "should I or should I not go" drill. It happens every time and I truly believe it is still connected to this self-esteem thing that goes way back...
When K-SUE is around, it's a non-factor but when I face the prospect of a social situation by myself...well I'd rather someone poke a stick in my eye then wander around unable to fit in to the environment. That brings up so MANY uncomfortable memories for me yet no one there could ever really understand.
So one again i'm procrastinating about getting ready to go...it's less then an hour before the "Ball O Fire" (The moment the pot of fish is engulfed in flame to boil over-the climax of the cooking ) and I haven't even showered yet....
I suppose I should go but...