I suppose you could say this is the time of what? The Month...er, that one has been used already...hmm, time of the week? Well I don't really post like this that frequently...let's just say it is TIME to let GO! Go? Let go of what you ask? Let's just say it's time to blow all the unnecessary emotion, thoughts, feelings, anxiety, fear and whatever else out the back end of me bum) and get on with life. I call it E-Vomiting or EV or E-vomit or EMO-V and Emotional Vomiting. basically I have a case of Verbal Diarrhea or VD...er I don't think I want to use that abbreviation how about Verbal D or V-Diarrhea.
Basically I'm trying to get too cute...I'm venting. Yep I'm releasing the venom again. And it's also a case where i just love to say and write EMO-V or E-Vomit...don't know why I just do.
Funny thing is this time around I really do not have a single true AXE to grind. Perhaps some frustration with certain people but that is to be expected in life and I totally understand.
I have made it pretty clear that all of my life I have been an individualist, a loner, I am pretty introverted meaning I get most of my internal energy from within, extroverts get it from interacting with others....I did things on my own and frankly, I liked it that way and yes in many ways i still do. It truly is the way I am. I never liked belonging to groups because I always felt like a sheep, where it was necessary to always follow along. Also I don't like feeling like I am in the middle of people or being told what to do...
I am experiencing a bit of that right now in my life and I wish I could laugh it off but it really isn't amusing. I would think most if not all readers here (unless this is your first visit to Shell Shock, then WELCOME!) know I am in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction. I have been clean and sober since June of 2005...
Most folks also know I became a Christian in January of this year. Needless to say when i became a Christian I started doing some different things in my life and it drastically changed me in some ways. I made a ton of new friends, I have an active social life in my church plus I started volunteering at the Jail and in nursing homes in the area. I've undertaken some other projects as well...
Well my friends in recovery interpret this as me thinking I'm not an addict anymore or I think my sh*t doesn't stink or whatever. There are many Christians who have stopped drinking who think that you do not need recovery based activities to get and stay sober. No they think you just go to church. So both sides seem to have strong opinions that i am not behaving the way i should. This doesn't feel good being in the middle...
Plus a few people think they know what's wrong with me and are telling me in no uncertain terms that I'm TOO SPIRITUAL that I'll forget I'm an addict. Well that DOES get my attention! I obviously cannot blow that thought off because it happens to a lot of people and they use drugs or drink again. So I have to take a close look at my life, my behavior and my activities and the strange this is they all check out. I know these folks mean well and I really appreciate their concern. The strange thing is I haven't really heard from anyone all summer so I'm not sure what they are basing their assumptions on now.
What happens to me in situations like this is I can get kind of ornery and that is NOT a good thing. I can get testy and I don't care for people telling me how I feel and what they assume I am doing, especially if they haven't so much as called or spoken to me at all. It goes back to that old thought of "they don't even know me and they are judging me". That may or may not be the case.
The truth is, that I really try to carefully check and double check on a daily basis my motives and my behaviors for everything I do. I am not perfect but over the years, since I have been in recovery I've learned to seek out warning signs that things are not OK. I feel pretty solid that I am in a pretty good place in life. My friends and mentors that I communicate with daily feel this way as well...
So I have to just stop reacting to what others do and say. I know people are just trying to help...they care about me. There is no sense getting my wicket tied up in a know over something that quite frankly is a non-issue. It's a case where my tendency is to want to please everyone...I can't and I won't.
