Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Lurking In The Shadows
It can be easy at times for me to really get confused about who or what I am as a person and what I aspire to be. I do not think I am going through some great cathartic upheaval or doubting my faith or anything of the sort, no..I don't think so. I just get confused at times by all the possibilities and I recall that at NO POINT during my entire life did I ever feel totally and completely committed to a way of living, feeling secure always that I am doing the right things, living the right way and so on and on.
I am not used to having any sense of order in my life. Honestly...I'm not kidding about that....at all. There is a purpose, some orderly "flow' to my day and this life right now. No it is not "perfect' or even close but there is a calm sense of purpose in striving to move in step with the Creator that I never could have fathomed in the past.
In those days past...CHAOS was always nearby, lurking in the shadows barely out of sight...It was just waiting to disrupt plans, destroy serenity and sow confusion and doubt into a life that was already just ripe for trouble. That was me..."ripe for trouble" I cultivated it by my lifestyle. I had no moral direction nor did I want any. Instant gratification of MY desires was my WANT that soon became my NEED that ultimately morphed into my ADDICTION and that addiction CONSUMED me 24/7.
I had no control of course and no sense of direction, right or wrong...everything about me, right down to my conscience was knocked askew. My very SOUL was in disarray...split, divided, conquered literally by evil. I was motivated by selfishness, greed, hate, fear, anger and so much of that was re-directed back onto myself when things didn't go well. Something was gonna give...something was destined to break, to snap.
Well I did snap, my desire to survived was snuffed out by self-hatred so I attempted to end this hurtful chaotic charade I called life. I failed and my life began to change.
I've written about that transformation to a life of sobriety, based on service to others, particularly those who suffered from addiction/alcoholism. Then more recently my complete transformation into a Follower of Jesus Christ.
Living that life of a Follower, to serve others in HIS name has brought that sense of purpose and order...even serenity to my once chaotic world. I'm sure there are those of you out there going "he's full of CRAP!" I would have too thought that myself not too long ago...I just wasn't buying any of that Christianity Stuff. But I cannot deny that which is so obviously happening in my life today...right here, right now. It is of course what it is.
I will continue this line of thinking in another post. It is hard at times to truly transfer what I know in my mind and in my heart to the written word. I hope that I do it justice because the reality that IS my life today is pretty special...it is a profound change from my past life and I hope to better explain why that is in further posts on this subject.
But for now...I must run off, there are chores to do.
(Painting by Winslow Homer)