Wednesday, September 14, 2011
CONFUSION REIGNS, I FLOOD...
I have had periods in my life where I just felt empty inside...like there was no purpose to anything that was going on and I was always just feeling like "what was the point?" Today I now see how important it was during those times just to keep moving forward for the sake of moving. I was depressed and the lethargy was slowly strangling the life out of me by sapping any desire I had to live, to thrive, to continue on. So it was critical to just keep going physically...and the rest would follow.
Today I feel that there are so many worthwhile things going on in my life but it's like there is so much "clutter"....emotional baggage, perhaps? I'm not exactly sure what it is but I have no clear vision, no clarity about a plan. I'm NOT reacting to circumstance, no I am definately moving forward with purpose but I guess without a clear cut idea of what's next, I feel like I'm being delayed or held back by what I'm calling clutter but in reality perhaps it is just a jumble of confusing thoughts and feelings....honestly it is difficult to say for sure. I just sense that something doesn't fit or feel right here...
It may actually a case where GOD IS clearly in control because I have to admit, things are happening...important work is getting done and I am totally focused on this work and enjoying it. I guess it is the apparent lack of a plan or maybe my ignorance about it that is affecting me. I want to know what it is and it is obvious that I don't, so because I don't know what it is all about, I feel ignorant and out of touch. And as a result I feel very negative about it.
This is totally different then anything I have been used to before...The unfortunate thing is my life and my actions, including this blog post really begin to feel FORCED when I get to feeling like this. It seems more manufactured then real yet...real and good results have occurred so how can you argue w/that, eh?!
Perhaps that is the definition of FAITH or an example of faith in action: forging ahead, persevering when things do not feel "right" or comfortable yet good things, positive results are occurring regardless.
I'm not entirely sure what is going on with me right now in this life but I am reasonably sure that whatever IT IS that is holding me back, I am the cause of it! And I just need to have the courage to continue forward, the faith that it is indeed the right move for this moment and then just keep plugging forward, one foot in front of the other....one day at a time.