The other day, after posting I'm A Loser...I did what I often do after writing something that is difficult, very emotional and/or just really raw...I forwarded the link to someone I trust to check it out. In this case, as I've already written it was my friend, who also happens to be a pastor, Shayne. I do this because I still don't completely trust myself and I just feel better if a "more objective and detached" set of eyes takes a good gander at it.
It also is another way I can share a (very deep and painful) part of myself, in this case a very traumatic moment from my life with a person I really care about and who cares about me. I used to think I had to hide these thoughts and feeling from my friends, that they would disown me if they knew. Now I know how hurtful and downright wrong that notion was and is...
I am not always sure where posts like this one come from...what the motivation actually is. As I have stated before...I mostly write in a stream of conscienceness style without preparing or planning ANYTHING about the article in advance. I sit down and the emotion, thoughts and feelings just flow through my fingers onto the keyboard and into the post. That is the way I writ 99% of my blog posts...with no preparation at all. I often will take that one step farther and post it after only a basic read through...I just think it's so critically important to get it out fresh, honest and un-cluttered. Often I will come back within the hour and re-write small portions, edit and finalize it.
The one thing I always avoid doing is removing a whole or major part of a post if I can possibly help it. I like to leave even the awkward or poorly conceived stuff because I think it has value in that it was what I originally written at that one certain moment, and I strive to capture "moments". For me, that is a priority....capturing what I felt the exact moment I was writing it. What I am FEELING is every bit as important as what I am SAYING...
So as much as Shell Shock is a blog about the life of one person in recovery...my life...it also has a shared or collective aspect to it in that I will often share these posts with close confidants (always AFTER they are posted, never before) to get their feedback. Not so much how to change or "better" this particular post but for me to learn as much as I can from doing this whole exercise in the first place...Doing so certainly impacts future posts because I learn from my mistakes...Does that make a lick of sense to anyone OTHER then little old MOI?! Probably not in all honesty but it is helping me and that does count.
After all, the true point for this blog and for my existence really is continued growth: spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological...and if I can get feedback from others I trust to help me continue to put these puzzle pieces together well then I am definately going to do it.
When I first had the notion to write a blog...little did I realize then how complex the rational for actually doing this was going to be...but honestly, it truly adds value to the process and I want to work harder at doing it the right way.
This blog itself has become an important part of my daily recovery...there have not been very many times where I have skipped a day posting since I started this endeavour...my reaction and response is quite negative in it's impact when I do. The bottom lines is it is now a daily part of my life...which makes sense since recovery IS my life today and I no longer make the distinction between the two so we'll call it what it is. My Life...
(Painting by Claude Monet)
