I often wondered in those weeks, then months and finally years after I initially found recovery, if I would ever feel OK loving another person again. I did not trust people and I certainly didn't trust myself. I felt so damaged inside, so hurt and unlovable...and as a result, incapable of loving anyone else in return. I know for a time that I felt as if FATE or God or whatever was punishing me for my mistakes or sins. I felt tormented by what had transpired previously and my inability to stop it...
So I kept to myself the most intimate emotions and rarely allowed myself time, even in the privacy of my own mind to think about what it might be like to love again...to hold someone close emotionally...physically. I had been a fairly open person about showing affection...those days were long gone. Sure I'd hug my parents, kids or a old friend but there was no real emotion to it...I was going through the motions. I was so very afraid...
My reactions were mostly fear based I suppose. At least the initial reactions were in response to being so hurt emotionally and psychologically by the destruction of my marriage and the feelings I had of betrayal. Though I felt totally responsible for the end of the marriage because of my alcoholism/addiction, the method in which the relationship ended left me feeling de-humanized. The deceit, the cold, emotionless manner in which it all ended had me feeling like it was all a lie from the beginning...That the very notion of marriage itself was a farce...a stone, cold LIE.
(Painting by Edgar Degas)
The longer I stayed sober in recovery, healing emotionally, physically and psychologically...the more I began to see it truly wasn't all my fault. That there were some behaviors and actions from the X that really were cold, un-called for and de-humanizing. Though I also began to understand that this was a result of her trying to protect herself from whatever psychological and emotional pain she might experience as well. In the end, I couldn't fault her for being human herself...
Part of the healing process for me was realizing exactly where my responsibility began and ended for the break-up of that 15 year relationship/marriage. I did own a significant piece of the blame but by no means was I completely at fault, I needed to stop "owning" ALL of the responsibility for the divorce.
Ultimately, I knew the time had come for me to change...I could make amends to her, without expecting anything in return, essentially cleaning up my "side of the street" (my responsibilities) as it were and moving beyond all that into a new life and wide open future.
Sure I would have appreciated some kind of an apology but that was never really her way and it just was not going to happen. It hurt some but I understood that it wasn't necessary for me to heal. I left that conversation with her feeling relieved and satisfied that I had done all I could to take responsibility and make amends for my mistakes...so now, perhaps...the time had come for me to fly?
But the destruction of that relationship and it's aftermath was only part of what was influencing my trust issues with relationships and ultimately, intimacy. Let's face it...the sheer horror of sexual assault and the scars left by that event and years of denying it's significance, were responsible for a whole lot of my fear and reluctance toward intimacy.
It was going to take more then just time and communication with therapists to clear that horrific wreckage away for true healing to begin. And only when that true healing had begun would I have the ability to face those fears and perhaps, one day overcome them. Then maybe, just maybe I could one day love and be loved...again. Flight, for me was going to have to wait...
What I needed wasn't so much psychological or physical healing....Nope I had had a fair share of both of those things...and still my fear overwhelmed me. Little did I realize this at the time but what I was desperately in need of was SPIRITUAL HEALING. And unbeknownst to me then...there was just such an opportunity for that type of healing waiting for me...out there, somewhere. All I needed to do then was simply find it....
