It can be difficult to describe to others how intense I can begin to feel when writing a post like "I'm A Loser". I often debate how healthy it really might be for me to re-live those moments in such a way. Obviously there is good in NOT suppressing those memories and feelings...doing so turns people like me into ticking TIME BOMBS, it being only the simple matter of time when I would ultimately EXPLODE.
But the fact is I would indeed explode...the pressure build-up is just too great for the average human being to resist...emotionally, physically, psychologically, spiritually or some combination of part or all four...something will give way and chaos will reign.
So from that perspective it feels like I MUST speak to prevent such an event from occurring. On the other hand, re-living, relating....just going back over those moments feels so incredibly...DAMAGING. I can hardly begin to explain...it's like pieces of me come off every time I re-experience it, never to return to me...valuable, irreplaceable pieces of me. So what gives?
Once again, I discover in life NOTHING is ever simple...or black & white. Nope, just shades of grey, blue, black or red. I must weigh the cause and effect of each course and pick the path of least destruction plus MOST benefit. That is the formula that has worked for me...
And using said formula, I have always come to the conclusion that the best course for me is to communicate IT that wants to DEVOUR ME WHOLE and then prepare to weather the emotional pain that comes with the sharing...I am getting accustomed to the process and it isn't as traumatic as it once was.
And the benefits do seem to increase the more I "come clean" emotionally...especially if I am sharing in a format that may somehow help others. This increases the "JUICE" (Power) of such an act and certainly strengthens my resolve to continue sharing and enduring the consequences (Read: PAIN) of doing so...it truly does make it that much more worthwhile.
So there is the rub, the ultimate Benny is as follows: It Relieves the emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual pressure, helps other rape victims to heal and it's the lesser of the two choices from a pain suffered/damage control point of view.
Whoa...me using a scientific approach to healing from rape...who woulda ever thunk it, eh??! But that is how it is working for me at the moment...these things (recovery/healing) not only take time but often require shifts in treatment techniques as you go. I'm not sure there is "one formula" that works for every victim..actually I am positive there is NOT one. No I think each person has to do what works for them. I believe there are certain universal truths that apply to most of us:
Communication is critical. You must find a way to talk about what happened to you to someone you trust, preferably a therapist. That is my opinion NOW, of course. My first words about being raped were to a friend and co-worker who was a victim of child sexual abuse and I just blurted out my story over coffee one day after she had been talking about her childhood experience. She was STUNNED to say the least but she really reached out to me, nurtured me and led me to a good therapist who helped me do some good, initial work...
Never quit on yourself and don't believe the LIES": You will be tempted to believe lies like: "it's your fault", "you could have done more or something different". Don't buy into that CRAP...you were victimized by criminals...it ISN'T YOUR FAULT!
No matter how difficult the process of healing is...don't ever quit...you are WORTH FIGHTING FOR! Believe me you are and you always were worth it! Often we lose what little feeling of self-worth or self-esteem we once had when we are raped or abused...it's just another of the tragedies of this experience and we often are unable to EVER get that good feeling about ourselves back. But there are many people out there who have been through these experiences who are willing to help find a way to heal...avail yourself to them for their assistance, it really can make a difference...working with other survivors and therapists sure has and currently is helping me.
A lot of us who have gone through the process of healing from RAPE have experienced moments where it just doesn't seem worth the trouble, the trauma and heartache of fighting anymore. I say that it is worth it, REALLY worth it...Yet that is something that you will have to decide for yourself. Just always remember, you are NOT alone...
(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)
