Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I've noticed that there are times when I am frustrated, surprised, perplexed or feeling other similar things that I'll often make an unplanned audible noise, sort of grunt or Hmpf-type sound. Regular readers here will recognize Ach because it's one I have incorporated into my regular writing. It's an unconscious involuntary act I'm sure and I hear other people do it too.
The reason that i bring up such a funny little thing is I have probably reacted with an: "ACH, Hmpf, Peeraha, Doooa, Yikes (hey a recognizable word!) and Pfaah, etc more today then in the last month combined. The day has been perplexing, to say the least. What a strange week...I'm not kidding. Is the moon blue or full, blue and made of Swiss Cheese? I don't know but some bizarre stuff has been happening that I was not expecting at all...
And yes, a great deal of it has to do with the spiritual aspect of my life...admittedly the most unsettled area and the one I am least comfortable with in general because I am so new to it. I feel vulnerable because I lack not only knowledge but the wisdom for discernment...I know enough to get myself in deep spiritual HOT WATER I believe!
I respect people and their beliefs and feelings...that has always been a priority of mine. Unfortunately in the deepest throes of my addiction, I wasn't able to always follow through and show such respect but today it is very important. So I do not as a rule attack people or their beliefs here unless it is something like Hate Crime, Racism, Domestic Abuse, Child Abuse and the like...then all gloves are off.
Yesterday and today were the first times since my Spiritual Awakening in January that I have been really challenged or called out about my beliefs and my behavior regarding my beliefs. In both cases they were friends though not close, everyday kind of friends but people I've known a while and respect. I was surprised both times and it really forced me into situations where I had to deal openly here on the Internet, through FaceBook and through private Messaging/Email.
I tried to be honest, loving and respectful but in what is a typical after-affect for me when in a conflict, disagreement type situation I feel quite unsettled afterwards though I feel satisfied the way it ended. I guess my true feeling is I wish i hadn't been forced into having to respond yet I was.
i also realize that I brought some of it on myself by posting some Bible quotations in my daily status on FB. I have said here quite frequently that this blog is a record of my daily life. I am documenting it because I was an addict/alcoholic whose life completely bottomed out and I came very close to taking my own life in a suicide attempt in 2006. I then found recovery, one day at a time and have been sober ever since.
I wanted to document this in case there are those who are curious, perhaps they themselves have a problem or some one they know does. Some people may just be curious and some professionals in the psychiatric field have written and tell me they follow along to get a better understanding of what some of their clients my be experiencing. So I document my daily life here in detail...
That includes my physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual well being. All those areas of my live have been seriously impacted by my disease of alcoholism.
But one thing that I am very careful NOT TO DO is set myself up has having the ONLY answer to this issue...I do NOT. These are the things that I do that have worked for me that I record here. For example I have gone through a significant spiritual change in the last 9 months or so but you will not find me recommending that people go to church or imitate my behavior.
I do not tell folks what to do, how to act or how to live, I just tell them what i have done...warts and all: The successes, the failures and everything in between. If someone wants to borrow something...well by all means, use it. But I cannot in good faith say believe this or believe that. No all I can say is this is what has worked for me.
I guess that is why I was somewhat surprised by the challenges these last couple of days but honestly...they were good learning experiences for me and perhaps for those individuals as well. But I still feel a bit dis-combobulated by the whole experience and perhaps a tad leery now as I look toward the future. This too shall pass but i thought I'd throw the experience out here and share it with readers of The SHOCK. Perhaps others have experienced this as well...
(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)