Monday, September 5, 2011
Won't Run, Can't Hide And Don't Really Want To....
Well tonight I will do my best to avoid topics that smell, hurt , gross out or offend....Hmmm, I'm not sure that leaves anything worthwhile to write about!
I have had something on my mind for awhile now that has me a little concerned. As most regular readers to Shell Shock Serenade know that I am a recovering alcoholic/addict and have been sober over 5 years. I am also a survivor of rape and a suicide attempt that quite frankly came a little too close to succeeding (shudder) then I like to think about.
This blog originated with the idea that I would post about my life as a person in recovery and by doing so would attempt to capture what the challenges, heartaches and joys of starting life over after nearly destroying yourself.
For most of the last 5 years, sobriety has been my #1 focus. I am on disability because of my severely damaged nerves in my back, neck, shoulder, knees, legs and feet...So I basically have dedicated myself to working with and around other recovering people in an effort to help them like I was helped in the early stages of my recovery.
I was constantly around groups of recovering addicts, therapy groups, self help groups...you name it. And I really enjoy doing that stuff immensely...it has become an important part of my life. But recently I had a major spiritual experience and became a Christian (Follower of Jesus is how I typically look at it). This new focus hasn't conflicted with my working in recovery circles philosophically or anything like that. No it really enhances it....
But in one area...the area of TIME, it does create issues. There is only so much time in a day and I have many things I am doing now that I wasn't doing before that compete for my time. Volunteering in Nursing Homes, Bible Study Groups, Church and Church stuff...so there lies my dilemma.
Hey, it truly is a good problem to have: I am busy, I enjoy the many friends I have made and it is worthwhile work. I just feel funny drawing away a bit from the recovery groups and people even though I'm doing very worthy and worthwhile things instead. It just feels kind of strange and a bit risky because let's face it: This stuff helped to save my life! I depended on these activities for my very life at one time...
I really think it is a healthy change in my life/lifestyle and I plan on continuing but it is very different and is going to take some use getting to. It feels weird...I have lived a certain way with very defined routines all this time in sobriety. Those routines were critically important to me changing my life around and though I think it is time to develop and change them now that I have matured some in my sobriety...it makes me a bit nervous because I did rely on them so religiously for so long.
So when I have something that bothers me these days I talk about it...I know I can't run or hide from life's reality nor do I want to so I blog about it, talk it over with friends I trust and pray about it. So far it is all good...this is how I deal with change. I work through the uncomfortable feelings and routines until I'm OK with what's happening.
And you know what? I'm starting to get there...I'm slowly but surely starting to get used to having a different kind of focus in my life...one that is even more socially interactive then it had been before. That is still a big deal for a guy who essentially was a hermit the last 18 months of his drinking and drugging career! But as I stated earlier...I really like the life I have.
And though I'm feeling a bit like my butt's hanging out and I'm pushing the limit of my comfort zone, this is going to work out for the better. It really does feel like the "next" logical step in this process of re-inventing my life, basically from scratch. I'm just feeling very grateful that I actually have the opportunity to do so....
(Painting by Vincent Van Gogh)