I am basically getting to the point where I would freaking chew my arm off to get free if instead of being stuck inside with flu-like symptoms I was a prisoner kept against my will...But as it is, I'm going stir-crazy, nearly driving my own self mad. the only thing that is saving me from such a fate is I still get so over-come with fatigue and fever that I end up sleeping for 4-5 hours at a pop. This is very RARE for me under ANY circumstances...so just when I am getting so restless that I'm in danger of acting like a delirious, fever stricken maniac...BOOM, I mercifully nod off to LA LA LAND...
Throughout the night, on any ordinary night I tend to sleep in 45-75 minute increments of time. Rarely ever any longer then that for several reasons mostly physical, yet at times PTSD fueled nightmares can contribute as well...though I have seen the frequency of those episodes diminish in recent times. Typically...the cause is that I have to urinate every 45 minutes or so and trust me, I was tested to the farthest possible degree when I was at the MAYO CLINIC in Rochester, MN last Spring...they found some minor issues but nothing to REALLY explain this severity of these symptoms. So I live with it...
I think it goes without saying that I am not a good patient, I don't do "staying at home sick" very willingly or well and I have a hard time just staying put in one place driving just about about else around me batty as well...It isn't fun.
But being injured, having chronic, severe pain and frequent illnesses are the reason I am disabled...and I have to learn to accept that I am going to be sick sometimes. It comes with the territory of my treatment and won't change anytime in the near future. But still...it is frustrating....And more often then not, it's severe enough to stop me in my tracks for a few days just like it has right now.
It isn't unusual for other people to accept and understand this simple fact better then I do, even though this is my life and it has been this way for nearly 6 years! Acceptance hasn't come easily because I am in denial of sorts...I just think it isn't fair and I should be able to change it because I don't like things being so difficult for me, wah, wah...but ultimately, I am powerless to change it. It IS what it IS...So I have to live with it and find a way to move along with life.
Acceptance...Ach, I hate the bloody word and what it stands for some times but hey, such is life, right? RIGHT...
(Paintings: Various Cut Sunflowers by Vincent Van Gogh)
