Turmoil....yep, I am experiencing some internal turmoil at the moment and it is affecting me more then I would like. Not only that but I am trying to "manage" it and in the process I ended up accusing my pastor of judging me unfairly when he clearly wasn't judging me at all....BIG OOPS!
And my Pastor is a very good friend but I just made some assumptions and I was mistaken. I suppose there is no harm...no foul, except that I feel like an idiot but in a way I'm well prepared and used to that feeling!
I often double check the things I'm doing with my friends, people who I really trust. Shayne (Pastor) has become someone I really trust...and frankly this blows my mind to pieces because he represents what to ME used to be the ENEMY...Clergy. He is a minister...a CHRISTIAN MINISTER! Whoa, that was as bad as it got in my book...back in the Bad Old Days (BOD)!
I had forwarded the post I'm A Loser to him to read because he and I have an ongoing dialogue about my rape experience and the aftermath. Well in that post I use some rough language...I can't help it, when I am dealing with thoughts and feelings related to the hard core parts of my life: The Rape, The Suicide Attempt, Hurting my family, The Hard Core Withdraw, Hurting Kim and the Over-doses...well it's like I am in a war zone in my head. Everything is very RAW, Darwin would totally understand the world I am seeing at these times in my MIND'S EYE.
Well I made the assumption that Shayne didn't like that and wasn't happy with me for writing it that way. He never mentioned it in any way. I assumed it...and called him on it in an email. To his credit, he calmly wrote me that I was mistaken, that he didn't feel that way, that he understands the raw, awful nature of all of this but he didn't want me to fall into the trap a lot of folks do where they almost get addicted to the TRAUMA. It was an excellent point, one I was already aware of but I made it a bit uncomfortable for myself there.
I thought the "Christian" was going to judge poor little 'ole me so I judged him first and made a complete fool of myself! See...part of me still believes the stereotypes about ministers and Christians. I couldn't have been more wrong. It was a great learning experience and I found once again what a great friend I have and that I can TRUST him...REALLY trust him.
So I guess that is why I check myself by sending posts on to my friends...they will be honest with me. But I wanted to write about this tonight to show that I still have trust issues and I am still growing and developing my spiritual life. It is definately a process...a work in process.
So I suppose I took a step or two back today after advancing a few but I see this as a healthy learning experience though and it shows me that I am not always right. It also reassured me that I have really good friends in whom I can truly trust...that is something I never felt before. So now I actually KNOW!
(Painting by Winslow Homer)
