Those who know me and those who are familiar with me through this blog realize by now that I have a tendency to do or say things rather spontaneously and then re-evaluate it after the fact. Often I will find that I am not pleased with how I reacted, what I might have written or just how things came across. So I will write about it, perhaps even change my position and explain why I I feel the way I do. But I resist the urge to delete or completely remove posts that I later consider mistaken or embarrassing because I realize that I am human, I make mistakes and I feel it is important to capture that change of heart here on the blog.
Admitting my mistakes, coming "clean" and changing my tune were all big steps for me in changing who I was...in making that transition from the self-serving, arrogant person I was to one who is hopefully more understanding, humble and honest about who he really is.
So why am I writing about this now, this morning? I imagine that some of you won't be surprised to read that I am now feeling a bit embarrassed about some of the goofy, base humor I posted this weekend using primarily my own body functions (IE:farting) to capture a few cheap laughs. It works too because weekends tend to be very slow days "hit-wise" for the blog but this weekend was a major exception to that...and yes, I attribute the increased traffic to the subtle but mildly shocking subject matter and post titles.
What I will say here is that the posts were genuine...yep, I am that goofy and do have a twisted, somewhat sick sense of humor. I'm just saying that I now feel a bit un-comfortable sharing it in public...an obvious nod to my shift in spiritual beliefs and the way I try to conduct myself today: less to no profanity, more respect, dignity and class. None of those things were shining through in the numerous posts about flatulence, body functions, etc. over the Holiday Weekend.
Part of me (and I'm sure some readers will agree) thinks I just need to lighten up a little, that it was harmless, innocent goofing around and done in jest...that laughter is good for the soul, for growth and yes, for healing. I do agree with that assessment but again...it does now feel just a bit beyond what I am comfortable posting on the Internet today. So I'm just taking a moment and communicating that fact to demonstrate how confusing making changes in one's lifestyle can be. This is what changing a person's "ways" looks in real time...in real life.
I just thought it a good opportunity to represent the emotional checks and balances process I do when evaluating my behavior and how I respond when I don't agree with a certain statement I've made or behavior I've exhibited. This is sort of how that works...
I am trying to find a comfortable place, between stodgy and vulgar that truly represents my humorous side but balances nicely with the respect, dignity and good manners that are also a part of who I am and what I aspire to be today as a human being.
So I bumble and stumble along the road from chaos to boredom, from sadness to joy...hopefully always just being true to me and who I really am. Well...we'll see how this post resonates inside of my confused and challenged heart this wet and chilly morning...though to me it's seems the sun is already shining (in this mind's eye).
