Readers of this blog have seen that statement from me before, many, many times...so what does it mean? Essentially it means that my usual sense of serenity, generally based on my spiritual condition measured by my feelings & behavior isn't where it typically is. And that means I am out of my comfort zone, that at that very moment, internal warning flares are shooting skyward in my eyes...
I could be restless perhaps, discontent...there are many ways this manifests itself but it just means I sense trouble or potential trouble based on the way I am feeling and acting. So it's an admission of warning, concern and ultimately a call to action for me to find out WHY I feel as I do. And what may be causing this feeling as well so I can then proceed on to rectify it before I'm seriously in jeopardy or at risk of relapsing back into active addiction.
Whoa, some may say, all that just from feeling a bit "off kilter"? Yep...I have no choice really but to maintain this level of awareness and vigilance if I really am prepared to "go to any lengths" to stay sober as some recovery texts state. And I agree whole heartedly that I must be prepared ALWAYS to go to any lengths to stay sober. And I am ready to go there...to any lengths, because I vividly remember what the alternative, active alcoholism/addiction is like and I don't want to go THEIR ever again!
I guess you could say it's better to maintain this level of awareness "just in case" and I suppose that is technically accurate but it isn't like it's really a burden or anything. No it is actually a blessing to be in touch with my emotions and my spiritual condition to that degree of readiness. It also makes me more prepared to help or work with other addicts/alcoholics who are hurting these days...Being in touch with ME makes me a better human being, I truly believe that.
Of course I didn't always feel this way. It was a burden at first to always be thinking about what I was doing and how was I feeling. To consistently evaluate my behavior and actions to stay in constant touch with myself and my emotions. As I said, today I see it as a benefit because I do this "checking and evaluating" without thinking about it, it has become a healthy habit and now feels quite natural. What feels rather unnatural at the moment is singling this stuff out to write about it but since I've been writing here on the SHOCK I'm getting used to it rather quickly.
The last thing I'll add about this subject is something I believe I touched on in a previous post, albeit rather briefly. That my focus on recovery, on this very thing I'm blogging about today has taken over my life to the extent that it's basically all I think or talk about. Of course this is one person's opinion but at that time and now, I think there is some truth to that observation.
The problem is even if that is the case and I am always focused and talking about it, what is the end result if I put that focus on the back burner? I don't want to risk it and find out. Because the folks that make that kind of observation or accusation, well there little lives roll on...and I self destruct. That is the risk I take by "backing off" some of the recovery focus or "serious talk"...
I don't like the fact that it bothers people, even if it's just a couple who have made an issue about it because deep down I want people to like me and I do really want to please people. Especially people I'm close to and care about...But not at that potential cost, it's much too high to risk...I know as time goes by, the intensity of my focus outwardly decreases as practising this focus becomes more and more natural.
So it's been an early morning crowded with intense, important and interesting thoughts. I rather like waking up that way...er, actually I didn't wake up that way because I haven't really slept but that in itself is a whole other story...
