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Monday, July 11, 2011


Damage. I like that word: Damage...Damaged, I'm freakin' damaged...beyond hope, way beyond repair. Beyond. I like that word as well: Beyond...Beyond all possible hope for restoration of his Soul. His Soul, you see is SICK. Soul SICK...Soul Sickened Son of a BITCH, that's me. Right? Right on...
I wonder about the damage. What damage? I'm glad you asked my dear friend...the END, because I am in and of myself, damaged. I suffered damage: physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual....and at my own hand. Huh? It means I did it to myself....I damaged ME. Right...

But I do wonder about the extant of said damage. How far does it go? What did I really do to myself because of my addiction and all the cool little things (sarcasm folks) that went along with it like, hmmm...suicide attempts and such for example. Some stuff is obvious, my stomach and intestines were shredded due to my drinking and other abusive uses of mind altering chemicals like say: COCAINE!

Ahh yes, Mr C, the love of my life. I loved you so much my dear friend that I gave you all the lining in my sinus's and still can't breath normally even today, more then 5 years after our last DANCE. Were you worth it? Hmm, well I have this blog Shell Shock Serenade because of you and you buddy Morphine, Cousin Alcohol and the whole damn family of fun...

I jest, you bet. Frankly there is no humor in THAT kind of death...too tragic for all that.

But yea, I suffered damage to my body physical damage. I never would have been raped if I wasn't an addict. I was where I was because of my addiction. I never would have been in a roll over accident at 17 years old. I would be healthier physically.

And the rest? Emotional, psychological and spiritual....well I've no doubt been hurt, deeply hurt and permanently damaged as well. And though I feel better, I still feel hurt and not always OK. I dread this thought but I suspect this type of damage will never totally go fact I'm certain it will not. I will suffer one way or another for the rest of my life. It is my cross to bear, I did it, I pay the price.

I worry about my emotional and to a lesser degree my psychological well being. The emotional part of me is always been fragile and I feel fragile too. The psych side doesn't bother me much because I think if you can endure what I have had to endure over the years that there must be something in there holding it together. But the emotions are unpredictable and quite powerful...appearing out of nowhere to knock me for a loop...well, really a loop to loop, tee hee! I'm the human corkscrew roller coaster man.

Recently I have had a profound spiritual experience that quite simply has changed me forever. Yet I am a work in progress, as I believe all human beings are. They are always moving, changing growing...or regressing. my challenge is in maintaining forward movement. In other words: Continual GROWTH. I don't always do that well and frankly I don't really recall any one who does.

I have often felt very vulnerable after sharing my emotional and yea, psychological state here on the SHOCK. That goes for my spiritual well being as well. I'm convinced I'll suffer for sharing myself so deeply on one hand but I am convinced, to my very core that sharing that stuff here on the SHOCK is a necessary matter of my SURVIVAL as well. Am I caught between a rock and a hard place? Perhaps...sorta, maybe...but ultimately it is a choice and I chose to do so and continue to choose to do so.

So this is life, my life. I have to live it, Brain Damage or no. Obviously there has been a price to pay for 30 years or more of active addiction/alcoholism so I paid it and will continue to pay as i go. But I no longer feel discouraged by it. So on and on I go. I think there are more thoughts, perhaps questions rattling a bout in my brain damaged head so don't be surprised to see this topic re-surface sometime soon...