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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

It's About Time!

I've written a great deal about relationships here on the SHOCK. They are another subject that has been very hard for me to get a handle on in my recovery. I did not trust anyone, period after my suicide attempt and getting sober. Any relationship and/or commitment really frightened me and I felt so detached, so much like a loose cannon emotionally, that I didn't want to get close to anyone. And it didn't bother me, I really didn't care because I was comfortable that way.....

I was divorced in late 2005 but in all honesty our marriage was over in the late Winter/early Spring of that same year. The divorce wasn't finalized because we had a house and financial matters to get resolved and that didn't happen until December of 2005.

Before I got sober I was in a relationship with K-Sue (Kim) who I met in an out-patient drug treatment program and she was with me all through the horror of the last year and a half of my drinking and drugging, doing some of those same things herself. We were two addicts, dying right before each other's eyes...

Since 2006 I have only been in one brief relationship (6 weeks) with a woman and have been single and celibate ever since. It it happened that way naturally and eventually became a choice. I just knew, the longer I was in rocovery that I was in no shape to love anyone...I was still hating myself most of the time. I know that was no accident, I had opportunities to get involved with people, I just didn't do it and in hindsight it was the right way to go.

Then K-sue and I reconnected in sobriety and have been very close friends ever since early 2007. As I just stated, I just did not feel comfortable taking the next step though I obviously loved her but I just could not see myself going there as far as a commitment. I knew I still had work to do and honestly, so did she....In a lot of ways it was the healthiest choice I could have made for myself because I was not ready to give myself to a relationship in the way that I feel is required.

Well after four years I have finally seen the light and grown enough emotionally to care about someone else the way they should be cared about. So it is official, Kim and I are boy friend and girlfriend. Quite a, HUGE....ah, MAMMOUTH step for me and for her but in a lot of ways it isn't much different. We have been very close confidants and companions all this time so it does seem similar. Plus the trust between us runs very, very deep. Let me say that again: we TRUST each other a lot!

OK, there...I've said it: I'm in a relationship! And quite frankly, I do happen to feel much, much better now!

A long day but a really good day for the most part. I had to run back to Holland this morning and take K-Sue home...we had a great long weekend. I feel pretty good physically after having such a difficult week last week, it seems changing some of the medication/Testosterone therapy has helped a great deal. Having an allergic reaction last week was NOT OK at all...I don't EVER want to experience that again.