Tuesday evening, late July in the year 2011....Day to day life and living often feels unreal and surrealistic these days. Even with the very "real" things going on: Relationship w/K-Sue, Masonville House (Nursing Home) visiting and Brain Quest (Trivia Game I MC for residents, what a blast!), Church Stuff, losing my long time Kitty Kat Zoe, all regular life type things yet it all seems a dream sometimes.
I've noticed this one familiar feeling before in my life where even though things are going well, I feel like in an instant, I am just going to spin completely out of control...and nobody can stop it, not even ME. Why is that?! I haven't the foggiest notion really but I clearly recall feeling this very same thing though before.
There are certain attitudes and behavior's that accompany this feeling as well. Defiance, an F-it kind of "my way, Hi-Way type of philosophy dominates. Funny I used to be this way all the time now it seems so out of character, haha! But I think some of this is good for me though. I have allowed some of my own emotions, feelings and sensitivity to get in the way of doing what's really right. there have been some recent dealings with other people in my life where I would handle the situation differently if I could start over again.
I never used to let people in my life have their say, I would cut them off, tell 'em off and typically I wasn't a good listener either. Today I have tried to rectify that because there have been some recent situations where I have not drawn certain boundaries and in the process I have allowed myself to be subjected to situations that were not healthy. I felt an weird obligation to be there when in reality I'm not obligated to be anyone's freaking punching bag.
I honestly believe my heart was in the right place but I let myself get walked all over...it isn't likely to happen again and it was a lesson well learned. Sometimes in life you try your best and it just doesn't work very well no matter how good your intentions were or how hard you tried....all you can do then is file that experience somewhere and move on to the next thing. My pride was hurt, I was embarrassed, a bit humiliated because I felt foolish but in the end I was the better for it and it did indeed lead to better things. To follow up I was able to say what I needed to say then move on...it worked out for the best.
In life there isn't a class to learn how to live...it is the ultimate "On The Job Training": LIFE! You learn as you go, hopefully learn from your mistakes because they, in my opinion are the greatest learning opportunity life gives us. Unfortunately some people are borderline delusional...they are too arrogant, too full of FALSE pride and too freaking stubborn to admit they made a mistake, they are never wrong, therefore they miss the opportunity of a lifetime to grow....and change from their mistakes. I feel sad for them more then anything else...
I probably have my biggest struggle with this type of individual and they are everywhere in this world today. And yea, I was there too, to a certain degree though I would admit usually at least that I had made a mistake. That wasn't really my issue...My issue was I would downplay the result, especially the impact of my own behavior believing that it wasn't a big deal, that people around me were over-reacting and making a mountain out of a mole hill. Today I realize it was MY arrogance, my inability to credit another person with the right to their own feelings, thoughts and opinions.
What an ass-hole I was. So that type of individual (and I deal with similar people sometimes in my life today) tends to really bug the heck out of me. I suppose it reminds me of myself and what an idiot I was then and can still be if I am not careful. How uncaring, impatient, judgemental and critical I was almost always without justification. I didn't take the time to listen to others...nope, I knew it already, I didn't need someone else telling me what I already knew. It also is a good reminder, one that happens to shoot straight through my heart about how poorly I treated people, ALL people...including those who meant the most to me in the whole, wide world.
I sure hope that old me doesn't shine through too much these days...I'm human of course and certainly susceptible today to these same character defects as I was then. My hope is that I focus on being a different kind of person today. Some think I take this whole thing too far, I'm too serious, I tend to really focus on changing and not settling for the mediocrity of the past. Maybe they are right, they could be. But all I know is what happens when I go back to that old way of thinking...my selfish side takes over and it isn't a pretty sight! I think I'll take what I have today over that alternative...hey if I'm too serious about caring for others, not being a jerk myself and trying to change for the better, if that is my CRIME...well I can live with that, I most certainly can!