I am still surprised..er, no...actually I am amazed that I feel the way I do now about having a romantic relationship. It was a complete 180 degree turn-about based in a large part on my ability to trust. Trust being a major stumbling block of course but not the only one. There were many, I'm afraid because I was a mess...
I had some very strong negative feelings about commitment, marriage and what those things actually mean. After my divorce, I naturally had nothing positive to say or think about marriage. But based solely on my own experience, even now after over 5 years of recovery, healing and growth...I was still feeling very much the same way. Ultimately, I figured....it isn't a commitment if you can turn around at any time and walk away from it. I understood that and frankly didn't have a problem with it.
But by doing just that (walking away), the X invalided the entire Institution of marriage in my mind. What then, was the point? Why bother doing it if it truly isn't for better or worse? It is merely a living lie at that stage. Why say "to death do us part" if you can grow weary, tired or bored of it all and just leave.
Why not just live together then because wasn't that all we were doing anyway? Obviously, I still am having difficulty reconciling those questions and realities in my mind...they are quite complex and not simple to resolve. And so that was the attitude I was bringing into any relationship that I may have in the future. Again, it didn't really make much difference because I wasn't in a relationship at the time. But that time was coming...
Until recently, I hadn't given the whole commitment, romantic relationship, marriage thing much thought because it wasn't a reality for me. Don't get me wrong, I had certainly thought about it, I had extensive therapy during my first two years of recovery that dealt with my separation and divorce from the X. It was awful, it hurt and it was really hard because of in spite of my behavior as an addict/alcoholic, I actually loved her more then anyone would ever know. I still don't like to admit it because it makes me feel like an emotionally weak person but my heart was absolutely broken. An addict or no...that was very real and it had to be resolved....but it didn't look like it ever really would.
And not just because she ended the relationship, but how and why it was ended. It became obvious to me that there never was never any love for me there and that really hurt. For a person who already had a terrible opinion of himself emotionally, this was a devastating realization....I'm not sure if she was just incapable of love, of showing love or just didn't feel love for me. I have always assumed it was the later...
But in going through therapy, the many layers of deceit and deception were peeled away and I had to face certain facts. And that hurt like hell, as well. In a lot of ways I had found it easier to think it was all my fault, that she was blameless in that whole mess and completely innocent then to actually discover and accept the truth. Accepting that truth was traumatic. It was difficult to understand how easily I had been turned into something "less then human" in a person's mind, especially a person who I thought had really cared about me. This reality was shocking....in fact it still is shocking. But it was what it was...and ultimately I had to accept it or who knows what might have happened.
The fact is, it is easier to leave a situation (like our relationship) when you are able to completely detach from all emotional ties...ultimately I think this is how the X tried to handle it. Of course I'll never truly know but this is the conclusion my therapist and I eventually settled on.
But we are all human beings and nobody is perfect. I had to accept the fact that she did certain things in our relationship for her own reasons and it wasn't necessarily because she was doing them for me as i originally thought. Obligation is a powerful motivator...
I think ultimately, I put her on a pedestal and the realization that she was a flawed human being just like the rest of us really threw me off. It was totally unfair to her to do that, she never asked nor expected it that I know of yet in my delusional state I saw her as innocent and blameless. It was a mistake and I needed to learn that...and I did learn that lesson, albeit the hard way.
But why am I talking about this tonight? I am no longer really hurting...I am not angry at her any more. I feel no guilt and have had the opportunity to make amends a couple of years ago. Much water has passed under that bridge and I have healed a great deal and have forgiven her as well. Life indeed goes on.
Yet I was still left with very painful feelings and opinions about marriage and commitment. Quite frankly, I thought they were out-dated institutions and expectations....the bottom line: I thought they were a JOKE. I really did...right up until two weeks ago when I made a commitment to K-Sue (Pictured above)...
To Be Continued....
