I suspect when I blog about recovery and such things I might come across has having a lot of things in my life figured out. Perhaps people might think "he has his sh*t together..." and the like. There is a certain amount of stability and confidence that comes with trusting God and having lived this life of recovery for so long. And that is OK, things are indeed much better, they are healthier, happier and pretty darn good all the way around. Yet if I am to be honest and I fully intend to be...the ship of life can still hit the rocks...or run around aground occasionally.
Tonight for example...there is no trouble, no visit from the Black Dog (Depression), no argument or people problem...Yet I am feeling unsettled by certain things in my life right now. And even though I am used to feeling out of sorts some tines I dislike feeling this way tonight immensely...
I feel physically strange at times I suspect because of the T-(testosterone) shots I get, plus the high, continuous heat has my skin feeling like it has something crawling all over it. I just feel uncomfortable physically and that has begun to effect me emotionally...then psychologically and ultimately, spiritually.
I made a decision a couple of weeks ago in regards to K and that was a really big deal for me. I think not being able to follow through on some of that commitment stuff at this time is becoming something akin to a festering sore emotionally...I am ready and she is ready. The collective WE are ready to move forward into the unknown knowing only that it's un-knowable and God has control. Yet circumstances are clearly not favorable in a traditional sense and I am at a rather serious crossroad with NO defined choice to follow. I am confused because I feel a very strong NUDGE pushing me to TRUST and move forward. But intellectually and all the general rules of thumb suggest caution, waiting until it's time when everything is ready. Honestly, is everything EVER really ready?
We are faced with a difficult decision,a couple of decision's really...they are life altering and though I have faith that all will turn out as it is supposed to, I get nervous whenever I am part of any decision making process. I have made so many mistakes in the past that it truly is my own judgement that I dread. Yet it is time to move on, to Follow the path laid out so clearly, that even I cannot mistake it for anything else!
These are unusual situations compared to what is considered "the Norm" that could be in store for Kim and I. I am sure that making those choices will open the two of us up to criticism, second guessing and doubt. There will be members of my own family that will be upset and not be OK....But I clearly feel a powerful sense inside to go forward, I must follow and K is right there as well. So do we? Will we? Seriously...I think my suggestion would be to stay tuned, if I were you! (A Big Freakin' WINK,WINK right here!!)