A Long, Hard Road to FOLLOW...

How else could I live? With all that has happened in my life, what else would I do, how else could I act...really...tell me, please just tell me? Sure I get envious when others seem to have it easier then I..Their life just seems to come in a smoother, less chaotic package at seemingly LESS emotional cost. Now I could be totally mis-reading that but it does seem a easier, less messy life. Now I'm not complaining...er,..uh...well yes, I suppose I sort of, hmm...OK, OK, I am complaining.

But why the inequity? Why do some folks seemingly "skate" through life almost effortlessly while others struggle? And even when times are good, like they are now I cannot just sit back and enjoy sobriety or my relationship with God. NO...I have to go out and help others, often witnessing terrible, heartbreaking struggles while others whiz into church on Sundays then go about their merry way...

Then as I contemplate the unfairness of it all I suddenly have to STOP. Just stop it...then a thought suddenly comes through me, like a wave washing over me, over my life...cleansing me to the CORE, to my very SOUL: It isn't for you to know WHY, just FOLLOW. Huh? FOLLOW...just Follow.

Then it occurs to me that the alternative to MY life today was a long suffering, drawn out DEATH at my own hand. That is what I get if I don't have the kind of life I have today. Who am I really, to question what I truly deserve, huh?! Because if I am truly honest what I deserve is permanent death, with no second chance, no REDEMPTION, no HOPE...NOTHING. That is honestly what I "earned" by my past behavior, by my past way of living. What I have today is a GIFT, given freely to me, because God is good. I have no other way to rationalize it, I cannot "spin" it into something it is not.

As far as the lives of others, it now occurs to me that perhaps what you see, is not what you get. I should know that of course, I lived a LIE for nearly 30 years of my life. I pretended all was well...when it was certainly NOT. Perhaps I am not "seeing' the whole truth in the matter...it is certainly possible, I know that I could be WAY OFF in my assesment.

So what to do? What can I do really? I know that today's way of living, though never easy is so many times better then my best day back in the day. Rewarding? You bet, life today has rewards I never knew existed. I never knew the JOY in a smile, before now. The absolute beauty and power of true friendship. The incredible satisfaction that comes with giving for no other reason then you can, so you do it....

Now I do NONE of these things well. I am still capable of making an intolerable MESS out of my life in a matter of minutes if I don't constantly keep my eyes on GOD. For only through HIM can I see the TRUE path that lays before me...yes, it can be full of difficulties and daily trials yet with that comes not only the conviction to persevere BUT the strength to do so if I only trust HIM.

So what do I do now? TRUST & FOLLOW...