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Saturday, July 9, 2011

Happiness HATES Me...(I'm NOT Kidding!)

Oh we go! I am feeling a bit out of sorts this evening. Part heat stroke, part major disappointment in other people (at least it's not ME for a change!) and a huge part f**k it! It's the last part that gets kind of frightening for me because I get sick of this sometimes and when I do, Chaotic, Erratic, Kamikaze Thom comes out...then watch out!! Same old story, same judgemental, whiny unrealistic people annoying the crap out of me...typically I am able to feel gratitude it isn't me and pray for them. Nope, not tonight...I'd like to slap 'em, really. Of course they'll never change, this I know so truly it is up to me to change and frankly I'm tired of that as well. BUT....that's what I'll end up doing...accept the reality of it all and move on.

Still it felt good to EMO-V for a bit...purge that EMO-Poison out of the old system as it were. Today I can vent, complain, bitch...whatever you want to call it and not fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself. Self-pity is a killa for this fella, no joke. All jesting lingo aside, it is dangerous for a guy like me to sink into the depths of true self-pity. It's a worthless state of mind really, totally destructive with zero redeeming features to it at all.

I am reluctant, really to share these type moods here for the reason that someone who doesn't know me, know my background or my sarcastic sense of humour may think that this is a legitimate way to cope. I don't think in and of itself that it is. IT does however work for me. And I have discovered this through much trial and error plus a long time honest commitment toward recovery and dealing with my emotions.
The truth is that though I feel good about my life, like myself today and work toward an honest resolution to all my issues these days...there are real times where I slip back to a place where I hate it all. I feel inadequate, helpless, bored, emotionless and yet over-loaded emotionally. It leads to a real honest feeling that I am going to explode from the inside out or cry. I feel confused then focused the confused again. I'm just uncomfortable in my own skin...again another VERY dangerous warning sign.

I tend to manage daily fairly well emotionally but when I get a build up of frustration, combined with anger it seems to tap into that mess of old, festering emotional crap from the past. Even if my current anger/frustration has literally NOTHING to do with anything from my past. It just seems when I feel a certain combination of feelings, it somehow opens a portal into that very negative place that seems immune to my spiritual progress...or any other kind of progress I've made.

I do think this "perfect storm" of events/emotions/circumstances and my inability to apply my spiritual or coping skills to it is truly the most obvious danger today to my sobriety or my sanity. Awareness of course is critically important and I am most certainly aware as I've just described this whole freaking scenario with stark clarity and detail. The issue is that my usual mechanisms to cope: prayer, meditation, quiet time-quiet place, sharing my thoughts/feelings like I am doing now, exercise, letting go/ letting God and so forth have proven ineffective to truly neutralize this volatile combination of emotions and events. It frightens me...

Yet here I am, stuck with it...right? Right and life does indeed move on...often very quickly.

One more thought here and I'm going to shut this pathetic, piece of crap of a post down and put the thing to bed. I have noticed in the past and it absolutely applies to this situation today is that I tend to experience these 'episodes" after I have been feeling really positive, happy and good about my life. In this case I have felt really good the last couple of days with how things have worked out w/K-Sue. And then the freaking BOTTOM falls out! It seems like this happens every time. It is no wonder I do not trust success or feeling good. I HATE happiness it seems...or perhaps it is Happiness that HATES me, hmmm...I really don't know. Good question, eh?