Honestly, It is always something. I know, since I make a point to ponder this stuff it obviously effects me more (I'm assuming) then most folks who just take stuff like this for granted and don't pay much attention to it. But I determined quite some time ago that it was necessary for me to constantly remain in touch with my emotions, feelings reactions and to figure out why I am having them...
Today, after much time and practice doing this is not a burden on me. In fact it's really quite natural and I do it without thinking.
I had some less then happy conversations over the weekend that were really blunt and revealing for me with a family member. They very specifically pointed out that my focus on this kind of thing was taking over my personal conversations as well and frankly they were kind of sick of it.
Well I had to step back a bit to try and be somewhat objective and I could see their point. In the very limited time we have together, my focus was dominating conversation. So it has been something right in the very front of my mind these days. Shell Shock Serenade will play a role, a rather important role really in resolving that issue because this IS the forum to have those thoughts and share them.
In one positive way I was actually impressed that I had honed my focus on recovery and specifically my thoughts, feelings, etc. to a razors edge. The fact is probably a huge reason that I am here, alive and well today. Because if I had been half-assed in my attempt at recovery, I would more then likely be dead today. It is no exaggeration and certainly no joke....just the TRUTH as I see it. And trust me, I see it with crystal clear resolution these days. If I dicked around with my recovery, didn't focus on the ultimate goal of daily sobriety followed by a serious life CHANGE, I'd have died. Sh*t, I wanted to die, I was LIVING to DIE, every ounce of my energy then was self-destructive. Dying was my obsession....
So it only makes sense to recover, to rebound from that takes an equal amount of determination, focus and yea, obsession. I think I can handle being accused of being to obsessive about LIVING! I'll take the rap for that any freaking day. I know I make people like that uncomfortable...believe me it isn't my intention but they will never know what that is like. It takes a desperate person to get to that point and an equally desperate person to fight their way back from the brink of the abyss. That my friends...was me. I make no apologies for it either. Go ahead, judge me...but you haven't a clue what it's like.
All that being said I understand a transition is in order. I truly don't want to pummel my friends and family with my past and/or my daily recovery. I want "normalcy" in my life (and behaviour) as much as they do, I just need a little more time and help to get there, that's all...I clearly am at a crossroads in my life where I do have some stability spiritually, physically, emotionally and psychologically. And I no longer need to so forcefully deal with my issues and/or emotions so publicly. Discretion is in order and I agree that now is the time to shift gears and make those kind of changes. Of course I really don't know how to go about it but be patient, I'll get there...
And that is the cool thing about life, is if your still in the game (translation: Still alive) then you are able to make changes, shift your focus and live a better life. I used to think I was trapped, with no recourse, no way out...whoa, was I ever wrong on that account! So another day is another opportunity...and I really do believe that today.
