Cool Stuff

Friday, July 8, 2011

For The Long Haul....

OK, that pretty much settles it then. I'm going to keep posting pics of Kimmee and writing about romantic relationships. The # of hits for those two posts(Time-Romance) about K-Sue are going through the roof! Maybe I should start an advice column about relationships, sort of a Dear Thommy kind of thing...I think NOT!

All kidding aside, that subject is really getting a lot of attention and honestly I think it's pretty cool. Many people, even close friends of Kim and I really didn't understand our relationship. And to their credit, they didn't press or pry either...they just accepted that we were doing our thing and were happy. I really appreciate that, I really do. We needed our space...

This has been a complex and difficult subject for me and in her own way, for Kim as well. One aspect of dealing with all the wreckage from my past was I had some serious issues concerning relationships...all relationships really but in particular close, committed, romantic relationships.

I didn't trust, really at all. The trust issue was the one most related to my last real long term relationship: my marriage. I was really hurt, I felt betrayed, lied to and let down. Basically like I had been discarded like a piece of trash...I had to separate the fact that just because I was an alcoholic and my alcoholism played a huge role in the deterioration of the marriage,that I didn't DESERVE what happened to me.

I felt like I deserved what I got because I felt guilty about my addiction and what it did to our marriage. It took a long, long time in RECOVERY before I was able to allow myself to feel hurt about being rejected and the marriage ending. This is not to say it was all my X's it was NOT, as I've said before, I accept that she did what she had to do and I'm reconciled to that. It was a terrible time for her, I was self destructing and she was protecting her self and her interests. But she wasn't and isn't perfect, she made mistakes as well. For a long time I though she was perfect and blameless in this whole fiasco...which obviously wasn't the case. She made mistake too. I haven't a clue really, but I wouldn't be surprised that if we had to do all that over, she would handle some things differently. Anyway, it really doesn't matter now...

So the end result was the longer I was in recovery and the more I began to heal, the LESS trusting I became about serious relationships because I was allowing myself to feel that pain from the break-up of my marriage relationship. Strange but true...Remember, Kim and I were "Best Friends" during all this time. Close, together whenever possible but NOT intimate...EVER. We did not have sex this whole time, we didn't even come close, no near misses. We even slept together in the same bed, holding each other close like to hurt puppies but we never even kissed.

So that was how strange (though honestly, not strange to US!) this relationship was to others. It was confusing. But that wasn't all the baggage I was dealing with about relationships, intimacy and trust.

As readers here know I was assaulted and raped as a 12 year old boy. I had NEVER dealt with that issue in a meaningful way SOBER. So I was trying to cope with that experience and remembering & talking about it sober for the first time in my life. I became terribly afraid of having sex sober...I wasn't sure what would happen. I didn't want THOSE memories coming back to me while I was being intimate with someone I loved. So the easiest thing to do by far was avoid the whole that is what I did.

I know this kind of is a cliche but I have no doubt that I really needed this time to heal, cope, recover and begin again. There are times in my life, when things have been really troubling, when I really was hurting, that I have closed my eyes and visualized GOD holding my sobbing, broken body in his hands, protecting, comforting and loving me. I think this was one time when he truly did this for me. I was so broken and only time, love and understanding would give me a chance to recover from the trauma and the hurt.

Kim gave me the time, she loved me and was nothing but totally understanding about my hurts, my sorrow and my needs emotionally. That is why I love her and care for her. It's also why I knew it was time to take the next step and let her know that I am in it for the long haul. I think she already knew but hey, it's nice to hear it from the horse's, mouth!

What more can I say...we've been there for each other for a long time when we didn't have to be. We were together when things were were rough and now when things are good. It's time, even I knew that so here were are, this should be pretty interesting, huh?!