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Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Madness + Intensity= ME

Well, well, well....motor mouth has had very little to say the last few days. I suppose I blame that mostly on lethargy from the heat and maybe on a bit of aftershock from the weekend and some rather unpleasant but I suppose necessary discussions. I just feel too much perhaps and am reluctant to share because I'm concerned about the emotion in me coming out inappropriately. One difference in me today is I do choose my words more carefully AND think about what I'm going to say before blurting it out. There is a lot less "Loose Cannon" type behaviour on my part, a great deal less intentional provocation just for sport. I really want to mean what I say and not just unleash a bunch of bull sh*t all the time....

I can honestly say that I have known all my life, from a very early age that felt stuff very intensely. I also sensed that I felt things more deeply it seemed then anyone else...that includes both positive and negative emotions. I've often wondered in hind-sight if that is why I was so attracted then later became addicted to booze/drugs: Because they settled the emotions down, lightened the load in a way. I came to prefer NOT feeling over feeling, of that I am certain but I still wonder why.

Logically getting raped had a major role in that I'm sure...those feelings were just plain awful and I wanted to be as far away as possible from feeling anything to do with that day, that event and the feelings that went with it! But I really came to find normalcy in worked well for me for a very, very long time. But eventually it stopped working so you do more drugs, you drink more until the only solution was to be artificially oblivious 24 hours a day through drinking and drug taking. Something had to give and it was a combination of a psychological and physical breakdown followed by an obsession with suicide ending in a failed attempt to take my own life.

So now I live life without the booze...without the drugs. And I have had to learn all over again how to deal with that emotional intensity in a sober and healthy manner. And slowly but surely I have. But I have my moments.

Wednesday night last week my emotions totally got away from me and I frightened the hell out of myself. The target of that anger was my dad. And honestly he had been a jerk, said some really inappropriate things and anger on part, in itself along with annoyance and disappointment was understandable. But I totally lost control of my behaviour and before I knew it I was in his face, screaming at the top of my lungs, using language I rarely if ever use any more. I just exploded, to the point that this 81 year old man was about to punch me in the face...

We separated, I went into my room and absolutely couldn't believe what I had just done. That was NOT me, at least any more and I was so shocked that I had gone to a place, emotionally that I hadn't been to in years. Needless to say I was ashamed and I immediately went back and eventually made things right. The next morning we had one of the best conversations, father/son that I think we've ever had. Sometimes it is very hard to confront the fact that you are more like your father then you wished or ever imagined you were. We are both getting older and facing the fact that we can't always do the things we want to any more. And we both have THAT angry/loud type of temper and the ability to unleash it beyond our control...

And learning to deal with my emotions, clean & sober has really been one of the hardest aspects of my recovery from addiction, even after over 5 years of sobriety. It can still be a struggle because that intensity still exists and now I have a thousand ghosts from days past to deal with as well. I brought some serious personal wreckage and heartbreak into my recovery and the memories (read: Nightmares!) to go with it.

So that is really a huge focus for me today, continuing to learn to live as I am with out altering my natural state of being with alcohol or drugs. And I really do get off on living sober, without changing my mood artificially. That is a huge part of the fun about sobriety...learning that you really can have fun with out drinking...because in the past I couldn't see how I could live with out it...I lived in perpetual FEAR of running out of drink or drugs...I hoarded them both and stashed them like a freakin' squirrel hides away nuts for the winter.

Today I love just being sober, doing things sober that I never did before...And not drinking isn't a drag...nope I do not miss it, I really don't. But there are things I've really had to adjust to and dealing with that natural intensity is one of them....but I keep plugging away. I really hate days like last Wednesday but they are going to happen and the important thing is to rectify the situation then keep moving on. You cannot let mistakes bring you's difficult when you do screw up but that is life. So I'll just keep holding on when the emotional roller coaster starts swirling me around a bit and just understand that's it's all part of the deal!