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Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Complete, As Is!

It is getting late, it has been a really long day and I am fatigued to the bone...But the day was a good one, very worthwhile and now I've been thinking about stuff (one thing in particular) that I NEVER thought I'd think about again.

And that is more typical then not in this life of recovery I now lead. Good things just happen...often they are completely unexpected. Such a contrast to my past when I was beginning to feel snake-bitten, certain that bad things were destined to come my way. I'll admit, it is slightly odd to embrace the positive as I do today, being so used to cultivating dark ambitions and attitudes for so many year.

It began with a sense of hope, that all things were indeed possible and has really just blossomed from there. And now I am dealing with life in a whole new way....and it has taken me far outside my comfort zone. But that truly is a good thing for me and I have no qualms about it what so ever.

So much of my life up until recently was influenced and affected by fear, mistrust and anger. An awful way to feel all the time. Even in sobriety when I was completely focused on making radical changes to my behavior, it still took a great deal of time & patience to see any real progress in me. And that was hard because I started to fee like I would never change...and that was a slippery slope for me to be negotiating at that time in my recovery. Slow progress fed my insecurity and the notion I was a total loser and could never change. It is still a potential attitude and mind set that I have to be on the look out for daily.

Because I have always known, that even to this very day that I am only a drink or a drug away from potential chaos...that is why it is critically important for me to maintain balance in my life and stay in tune, in contact with my emotions at all times. That is the only way I get an early warning that something inside of me is outta-whack and I have time to figure it out perhaps and correct it before all Hell breaks loose.

It is a good thing the reader is unable to see me sitting here this evening... I am completely brain dead but this post seemed like it wanted to write itself but I can't hurry it along any more so I am going to close and we will pick things up in the morning. But once I start to write something, I do not like to draft it then hold it until another time so I'll post it complete as it is.